What kind of voter are you?

Well it’s almost time. Another four days and we all trot off to the polls to elect a new group of scoundrels. Of course, that’s not counting the early bird vote which looks like it might be almost a quarter of eligible electors.

This also means that this is my last chance to give you, my faithful readers, some sage advice on how to vote. No, I’m not going to pick a party or offer you advice on any of the various leaders but I do have a suggestion. Before you enter the polling booth take some time to decide what kind of voter you are. Once you figure that out the rest is easy.

First, and I’ve heard this voiced a lot during the present campaign, there is what I like to call the “hold your nose and vote” elector. These are all the people out there who are disappointed with the present regime and don’t like politicians who wear costumes but can’t bring themselves to vote for the alternative. It’s a protest vote of sorts but won’t change much.

A more traditional style is the “My father was a Tory and so am I” group. I grew up in this type of household where voting was easy because there was no choice. My great-grandfather was a Conservative member of the Ontario legislature and a descendent of United Empire Loyalists and therefore the family voted the only honourable way. My grandfather, according to family lore, went as far as placing a black wreath on the front door every time the wicked Liberals won.

A relatively new type in our political system is the “vote on the side of the angels” person. This includes those who vote for the party most likely to save the planet, ban all hydro carbons, build unisex washrooms, give Saskatchewan back to its native people, fund universal pharmacare, eye care, and dental services, whether they have a bats chance in hell of forming a government or not.

The “person” voter is a close cousin to the “hold your nose” type. In this case you may not care for any of the potential leaders or their parties but the incumbent has done a cracker jack job and shows up at every event in his or her riding. He or she may have also managed to get funding for the annual baked bean festival or new park benches. This also includes voting for a spouse, a parent, a neighbour or a close cousin.

The most common type of voter in Quebec, if you believe the pundits, is the “strategic voter.” Here, the voting population sits down for six or eight hours and weighs all the pros and cons of putting a Liberal or a Conservative government in power in Ottawa and then votes for the party most likely to be able to twist the federal arm to the benefit of la Belle Province. One has only to look at all the benefits we got from the Créditistes, the Bloc Québécois and the NDP to see how well strategic voting works.

Probably the most common-ballot caster is the “what’s in it for me?” voter. In this case you just have to sit down and plow through about 200 hundred pages of campaign promises and figure out how much you’ll get for being old or for having six children who all play hockey or maybe how big a mortgage you’ll be able to afford with your first-time home purchase. Just remember, tax cuts can be reversed and promises can be forgotten.

So there it is. Figure out what kind of voter you are and follow your nose.