Disappearing daughter-in-law

THURSDAY, OCTOBER 17, 2019

Dear Annie: My son was married eight months ago and now lives on the other side of the country. During their courtship, engagement and wedding, I did everything I could to be friends with his wife. I bought her a rehearsal dinner dress, which she approved of at first. I helped her dress for the dinner. I invited her to go shopping. I called. I texted. I reached out because I knew she would not be so inclined.

There were several things that happened with her parents and her during the wedding plans that were hurtful. The most hurtful was that their seating chart put my mother, my sister and me at the back of the room, while his father’s table and her parent’s table were in a place of honor.

The latest to occur was today, her birthday. I called first thing to wish her a happy birthday, but there was no answer. I left a very nice message. I also sent her a really cute card that my son said arrived yesterday. I received no text, at the very least, no acknowledgment and no thank you.

My question is this: Is straightening this out his responsibility? Shouldn’t he be upset that she ignores and disrespects his mother?

I am not overbearing, though I know that the above may sound like I was pushing myself on her. This all took place over several years. I really don’t call very often and try to be the opposite of what my own mother-in-law was. I eventually got divorced and she was probably one of the reasons.

Do I speak to my son and let him know that it is up to him to fix this? Do I tell him if his kids don’t have any relationship with me, then it’s because of him?

He is so grateful to this girl that he walks on eggshells. Right now, she is supporting him while he finishes school. She has made the comment that she is the breadwinner and he is the caregiver.

Meanwhile, I have mostly made peace with the situation and have decided that as long as my relationship with my son is good, that’s all that matters. The above questions stem from my mother prompting me to have it out, so to speak, with my son. My instinct is to just let all this go.

What should I do? — Hurt Mother-in-law

Dear Hurt Mother-in-law: First, do not tell him that if his kids don’t have a relationship with you, it is because of him. That is putting all the blame on your son and taking no responsibility.

It sounds like your daughter-in-law is tough. The question you have to ask yourself is how to best navigate this. If your goal is to be close to your son, daughter-in-law and grandchildren, maybe now is the time to pull back. Give them their space while letting them know that you would always love to see them.

It must be hard on your son to constantly we walking on eggshells in his marriage. Have compassion for him and keep being a kind and sweet mother.

All of the issues reagrding the rehearsal dinner rein the past. Have a direct conversation with her and apologize if she felt that you were mean to her that night. Be direct and tell her that she is a part of your family now and you very much value family and love her.

I think your own instinct of letting it go will be far more useful than “having it out” with your son. Best of luck!

Dear Annie: I’ve been divorced for a long time. My ex-husband, “Joe,” is living with “Sue.” She is the one who broke us up. I don’t care about that part anymore; she can have him.

I’m upset because my granddaughter got married recently, and they gave Sue a corsage, too. When I saw them give it to her, I said to myself, “What the heck?” My other daughter was with me and she said, “Get over it, Ma.” I was hurt but said nothing.

After the wedding, when they were taking pictures, they said, “Let’s have the grandparents.” Sue walked up with my ex. Again, I said nothing.

My ex is not married to Sue, even though they have been together for a long time, which is why my other daughter said she got the flowers. Does sleeping with Grandpa make you Grandma? These are my granddaughters. I birthed their mothers. I gave up my weekends to babysit the granddaughters. I picked them up from day care and took them to my house until someone could pick them up. I was always there. Do I have to share my title of Grandma with Grandpa’s girlfriend? — Am I Wrong

Dear Am I Wrong: Love is not a finite resource. That your granddaughters show love to Sue does not mean they care any less for you.

The fact is that this isn’t about you vs. Sue or even you vs. your ex. Whether or not you think it’s fair, they are both going to be a part of your children’s and grandchildren’s lives. Now it’s for you to decide how you’ll behave. I suggest you try out being the bigger person. You might be amazed how much better you feel.

And remember, Sue is not the one who broke you up: Give your ex-husband the credit for that.

Dear Annie: I have been living with the same guy for 25 years. We have a 22-year-old daughter together. I am listed as a dependent on his taxes. I have not worked a job since our daughter was born. (Well, at least not a job in the sense of getting a paycheck).

This man promised me marriage and even proposed, but never went through with actually planning a wedding and getting married. He bought a condo 10 years ago, and just decided to sell it. And now he just tossed me away. Do I have any rights? — Left Behind

Dear Left Behind: By default, unmarried couples don’t have any rights to each other’s property. Unless you two had drafted a property agreement, I’m afraid you’re out of luck here.

Additionally, according to the legal resource Nolo, “In most states, neither unmarried partner is entitled to receive any alimony-type support after a breakup unless there is proof of a clear agreement to provide post-separation support.”

I am sorry that your 25-year relationship has come to an end. In time, you’ll feel more set free than tossed away.

Dear Annie: This is in response to “Still Missing My Sweetheart,” whose friends don’t ask her how she’s doing. When I lost my mother several months ago, I found it very annoying when friends and relatives would ask how I was doing. How, I wondered, am I supposed to put into tiny, little words the indescribable pain, loss and sorrow that I was experiencing — especially in a way that the other person would understand? To be honest, it was exhausting, and

I came to dread seeing a loved one approaching me with that look of sympathy, knowing they were about to ask, “How are you?” — D.

Dear D.: People struggle with what to say to someone who is grieving, and that often leads to stilted, uncomfortable conversations. Thank you for sharing your insights. I am so very sorry that you lost your mom.

Dear Annie: Every day, I see kids in the front passenger seat with their feet on the dashboard.

This is incredibly dangerous. In a low-impact crash that does not signal air bag deployment, this body position has moved the seat belt, assuming it’s being used, off the waist and onto the abdomen, and near the throat. Worse, though, is the knees are in completely the wrong orientation to flex and move with the force of the crash.

Air bags deploy beginning with moderate crashes, defined as hitting a parked car at about 20 mph. In other words, almost every crash deploys the air bags. An air bag deploying directly under the feet can lead to devastating, life-altering injuries to the feet, ankles, knees, hip and tendons.

An air bag system must detect a crash of enough force and then fully deploy the air bags in less than 80 milliseconds, which is less than one-tenth of one second. The fundamental point is for the head and torso to contact a fully deployed air bag (now an air pillow). Contact with the surface of an air bag that is still expanding at great speed results in facial injuries, as well as possible upper torso injuries.

In fact, on impact, the air bag is already deflating. This is why air bags are in no way an excuse to not wear seat belts, which slow your body’s forward motion until the air bag is fully inflated. — Concerned Driver

Dear Concerned Driver: Not only is putting your feet on the dashboard incredibly dangerous, as your letter points out, it’s also unattractive and bad manners. It is on the same level of rudeness with putting your feet on the table. Yuck.

“Ask Me Anything: A Year of Advice From Dear Annie” is out now! Annie Lane’s debut book — featuring favorite columns on love, friendship, family and etiquette — is available as a paperback and e-book. Visit http://www.creatorspublishing.com for more information.

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