Dear Annie

Dear Annie: I would love to hear your comments on my situation. My husband, “Craig,” is an attentive, considerate and truly loving partner. The one quality that causes me to lose sleep is this: He is in his late 70s, yet he enjoys the attention of young women, ranging in age from their 20s to their 60s. When he and I spend time alone, we get along very well. However, almost every time we are in public, if he sees an attractive woman, his eyes rest on her with obvious interest. Then he may look for an excuse to pass near her or somehow engage her in lighthearted conversation.

Recently, we were on a train. On his way back from the washroom, when the train swayed a bit, he accidentally (or on purpose) lost his balance and heavily leaned on the table of the foursome across the aisle — high school or early college-aged ladies, and apologized.

Did he want their attention?

Last evening, we went to a lovely restaurant for dinner. Craig commented on the long red hair of a young woman whose back he was facing. Craig and I continued to enjoy our dinner together. Then Craig excused himself to go to the washroom. On his way back, he went out of his way to go toward the table of the redheaded young lady, pretending to check out her meal selection, until he caught my eye. He then returned to our table.

It is similar with my friends. They love his attention. He is charming and smart, qualities I love about him, too. He is flattered that they respond to his attention, and they in turn show that they are flattered by his attention to them. They’re so happy to “bond” with him.

Perhaps I am digressing, but I feel this next incident is linked. Last year, Craig was out of town on business. As he was planning his trip, he had mentioned to me, that, unfortunately, he had two days in between assignments that were unscheduled. He was worried he’d be bored. The next thing I knew, he had let a young colleague from a nearby town know that he had a couple of free days, and she joined him, and they spent those two days touring together.

I can understand Craig being friendly with my friends, but I feel he encourages a friendship beyond what I am comfortable with. As I have mentioned the inappropriateness of his staring at women when I am with him, he has definitely tried to curb it. But with the train incident (I said nothing because I was sure he would insist he lost his balance), the restaurant incident, which was rather obvious (he later admitted being curious about how she looked), and the two days shared with his vivacious colleague, I feel a bit humiliated.

As a result, I avoid making plans with friends as couples, and do so on my own. I very much look forward to your comments. Thank you kindly. — Aggravated

Dear Aggravated: Jealousy might be a green-eyed monster, but you are entitled to feel it right now. It’s one thing to admire an attractive woman, or man, for that matter, but it is quite another for your husband to undress them with his eyes. Furthermore, and perhaps the most concerning part of your letter, is that he invited another woman on a trip with him. That woman should be you, and you need to make that very clear to him. I’m not sure if it’s his own insecurity or if he is being a scoundrel, but regardless of the cause, you deserve better.

He needs to shape up and stop ogling other women or he is going to be shipped out to another house; yes, even in his late 70s. Don’t rule out talking this over as a couple with a professional counselor.

Dear Annie: My wife does not work outside the home. We have hired help to take care of the house cleaning and yard work. She cooks sometimes but more often she buys prepared food. She does not do my laundry. She does not pay our bills. There are not many demands on her time.

My wife is a hoarder. With a great deal of effort, I’ve been able to persuade her to confine her mess mostly to the rooms in the upstairs of our two-story house. Still, it is a struggle. It has been particularly frustrating to tell relatives when they visit from out of town — hers and mine — that they cannot stay with us.

From the outside, we appear to have a large beautiful home. The upstairs, however, is uninhabitable because of her hoarding. Our relatives simply do not understand why they cannot stay with us when they come to town, particularly when they can see what a beautiful home we seem to have. These relatives have hosted us as their guests in their home, and yet we tell them that we cannot reciprocate. That is embarrassing to me.

Recently, our son asked to visit us, bringing along our adorable grandchildren. They live out of state. We have been to their home many times, but our grandchildren had never visited us. Our son has not been in our home in more than six years, and he does not know the extent of my wife’s hoarding. Still, I was delighted to hear they wanted to visit, and I said yes.

My wife is angry. She says I “set her up” and that I should not have agreed that my son and our grandchildren could stay with us. She is trying to make me feel bad about all this when I feel like this is her problem, not mine. I want my son and my grandchildren to visit. I hate the way our house looks because of her hoarding, but I really don’t see this as my fault, and I’d rather they visit than not.

Am I missing something? — Married to a Hoarder

Dear Married: You’re not missing anything. You’ve just got a healthy perspective on an unhealthy situation. You were right to invite your son and grandchildren to stay. To disallow houseguests would be to enable your wife’s hoarding behavior.

Often hoarding occurs as a symptom of obsessive-compulsive disorder, which could be the case for your wife. Try to be compassionate and patient, and encourage her to seek professional help. Therapy could help her get to the underlying cause of the hoarding, whatever it might be. You can learn more about hoarding (including how to stage an intervention) at https://hoarding.iocdf.org.

Dear Annie: Here’s a suggestion for seniors. If you live alone, please find a friend who you can email daily just to let them know that you haven’t fallen or hurt yourself. A dear friend had fallen and was alone, on the floor, for three days before we went to see why she was so quiet.

It doesn’t need to be anything more than “good morning” on the subject line. But at least someone knows you are OK. — Single Senior

Dear Single Senior: What a nightmare for your dear friend. Thank goodness she had people who cared enough to go check up on her. The buddy system you suggest is a valuable and potentially lifesaving idea. I’d also recommend that seniors who live alone invest in a medical alert system, such as Mobilehelp, Medical Guardian or Bay Alarm Medical.

For help determining which system is best for you, see the article on aarp.org entitled “How to Choose a Medical Alert System” and speak with your doctor.

“Ask Me Anything: A Year of Advice From Dear Annie” is out now! Annie Lane’s debut book — featuring favorite columns on love, friendship, family and etiquette — is available as a paperback and e-book. Visit http://www.creatorspublishing.com for more information.

Send your questions for Annie Lane to dearannie@creators.com.