Slowing down

Dear Annie

TUESDAY, JULY 20, 2021

Dear Annie: I retired 11 years ago, but I could have been the obsessed woman addicted to her iphone before I retired.

But in the previous decade, as I lay in my hospital room, recovering from serious stress-induced internal surgery, I kept addressing the “pings” on my phone.

My oldest daughter, a special needs faculty member at a local junior high school, took the phone from my hand and said, “Stop.”

At first, I was frustrated. I felt cut off from my busy executive life as a local elected official. Eventually, I adjusted.

Following six months of difficult recovery, where I only worked part time, I announced my retirement. My daughter was shocked, my husband elated.

I still check my phone, and I still stay in volunteer roles, but life is different for me, and I am a happy 76-year-old grandmother, much less stressed.

A person may listen, but they need to make the decision themselves. Nagging doesn’t work. -- Just Grandma in Washington

Dear Grandma: I love the idea of slowing down and putting away the iphone. While technology is amazing, like any good thing, it needs to have its limitations and a time and place.

Dear Readers: In the spirit of slowing down and smelling the roses, I’m going to treat you with my favorite excerpt from “Walden”:

“We must learn to reawaken and keep ourselves awake, not by mechanical aids, but by an infinite expectation of the dawn, which does not forsake us in our soundest sleep. I know of no more encouraging fact than the unquestionable ability of man to elevate his life by a conscious endeavor. It is something to be able to paint a particular picture, or to carve a statue, and so to make a few objects beautiful; but it is far more glorious to carve and paint the very atmosphere and medium through which we look, which morally we can do. To affect the quality of the day, that is the highest of arts.”

Dear Annie: I’ve got to be the luckiest guy ever. I married a great girl, who is the mother of our four children. I got fixed to not have more children and was married to the hottest sexiest woman ever! Now I’m in my 80s. I’m married to the 80-year-old who I’ll go to the nursing home with, who I am confident will be with me all the way. She has four children, 13 grandchildren and eight great-grandchildren (soon to be nine). IT’S ALL THE SAME GREAT WOMAN!!! We got married in 1960. -- The Luckiest Guy in the World.

Dear Lucky: I love your letter so much. Congratulations on finding true love. Your gratitude comes through in spades.

Dear Annie: We recently moved from our home of 20 years to a neighboring state that is two hours away by car. Our children are 21 and 19. We had set our sights on moving to this community several years ago, but we waited until our son had graduated from high school. Ever since we moved here 10 months ago, our daughter has been miserable, saying we ripped her away from her home and friends, implying that we were selfish for moving before she graduates from college and is able to live on her own back in her home state.

We live in a highly rated community with wonderful amenities, and we plan to retire here. Our community is not age-restricted, but the age of its full-time residents does skew toward the older side, so I do sympathize with her that making new friends can be challenging, especially since she is only here for summer and holiday breaks. Also, the area outside our community is fairly rural, whereas our former home was in the suburbs, where shops and restaurants were more plentiful and accessible.

To elaborate on why we moved, here are some of the reasons: The tax savings were significant; we prefer the weather; it’s less congested; and we love the benefits this community offers, such as living by a lake and golf course.

But I’m beginning to question whether we were in fact selfish for moving here at the time that we did rather than waiting until our kids are able to live on their own. Should this really have been more of a whole-family decision, and should we have stayed where we were longer, for our kids’ sakes? -- Whose Life Is It Anyway?

Dear Whose Life Is It Anyway: The short answer is that it is your life. But as you know, once you are a parent, your life and happiness often revolves around your children’s lives. Even college-aged children do thrive when their home lives are predictable and stable. So, it is understandable that your daughter is feeling the way she feels. Try and be sympathetic to her, and maybe make a week or so vacation in your old hometown each summer so she gets to see her old friends.

Dear Annie: Here are some comments about the mother and grandmother wanting a closer relationship with her daughters-in-law:

As you have written, not every combination of people results in a good friendship. Even some friendships may not last forever.

The young ladies are married to her sons, not to her. Having a good relationship with your mother-inlaw is a plus, but it is not required.

My wife and I raised only sons. As each became engaged, I welcomed the young ladies to the family. I read decades ago in an advice column that “inlaw” sounds too much like “outlaw” and emphasizes the “outsiderness” of a person. I told each one that I would avoid referring to them as my “daughter-inlaw.” Instead, I told them they are my daughters and are as much a part of the family and loved as much by myself and my wife as the three boys we raised.

In return, I invited them to call my wife and me “Mom” and “Dad,” which they do. It’s a small step to help make forever marriages. And as a plus, we have frequent communications and good relationships with all our children and grandchildren. -- An Old-fashioned Dad

Dear Old-fashioned Dad: Thank you for your letter. You started your relationship with your new daughters on the right foot -- welcoming them with open arms as new members of your family. Congrats on that. It sounds like you continue to treat them as your daughters, so it is no surprise that your “old-fashioned” approach is working.

“Ask Me Anything: A Year of Advice From Dear Annie” is out now! Annie Lane’s debut book -- featuring favorite columns on love, friendship, family and etiquette -- is available as a paperback and e-book. Visit http://www.creatorspublishing.com for more information. Send your questions for Annie Lane to dearannie@creators.com.