Forgiveness changes everything
WEDNESDAY, MAY 24, 2023
Dear Annie: After reading the letter from “Unable to Open Up,” the gentleman who was unable to articulate his thoughts to his therapist, I wonder if writing down his thoughts would help. Sometimes we can’t bring ourselves to speak up for fear of being chastised, laughed at or embarrassed. I always encouraged my daughters to write down anything that was bothering them just to get it out of their mind, and sometimes it didn’t look as bad once they got it out. He could take the paper(s) to his therapist or just tear them up and throw them away. Either way, I wish him well and much success as he tries to heal himself. -- Mom of Two Girls
Dear Mom of Two Girls: writing things down is very powerful. Either through journaling and keeping y y our journey to yourself or writing a personalized letter to the person.
Dear Annie: Reading the story from “Happy Adult Daughter,” whose mother was suffering from a mental illness, was like reading my own. I suppose my mother could be mentally ill, but I look at her as severely damaged from her own upbringing. She had no family to rely on, so she married young, and maybe once upon a time was hoping to treat her children better than she was treated. And while from the outside it didn’t appear to be a horrible marriage, I can honestly say that I never saw my mother happy, I mean truly happy, for more than a few minutes. I have two siblings, one older and one younger. Of course, the older sibling was on a pedestal that I could never reach. The younger had health problems that at times could be a distraction and other times I could be blamed for. I also married young to escape, but all I did was start a new cycle. Though I originally had not planned to have children, I did have one. I then realized I married for the wrong reason and left to give my child a better life. I moved to another state and eventually remarried. I did not have any other children. I tried to do better than my mother and not hit or name-call. But I was damaged; I had no loving family foundation. My family growing up was five individuals that lived under one roof. The word “love” was never uttered in our house.
After a long time, I finally forgave myself and my family for everything, but I doubt we’ll ever be a true family. I wish them no ill will and hope they wish me the same. -- Better Days Ahead
Dear Better Days Ahead: Thank you for your letter. You sound like a wonderful person who has used the power of forgiveness.
Dear Annie: I’m a 16-year-old girl and currently a sophomore in high school. High school is OK, but one thing I’ve noticed is that I’m really judgmental of others in my school and tend to bring them down in my head. For example, if I see a girl wearing revealing clothing, I’ll call her a “slut” or a “whore” inside my head, or if I see a boy wearing pajamas, slides or Crocs, I’ll call them “lazy” and “sloppy.”
I also have relatively high standards when it comes to boyfriends. Most of my standards have to do with clothing and shoes. Usually, from what I see, a lot of kids wear pajamas, Crocs or slides, and I hate the way that looks! That’s why I’ll never wear them.
Even though I’ve never been in a relationship before, when it comes to them, I’ll judge a person by the way they look, and if they don’t match my standards, then I won’t give them a chance. There’s this senior who was talking to me, and since he didn’t match my standards, I didn’t want to be seen with him around school. Even though we were friends, he was sending mixed signals about maybe wanting more. We don’t talk now because of his mixed signals, which I called him out on.
I’m one of those people who knows what they don’t want rather than what they do want. I’m trying to figure out what’s wrong with me, but I guess I’m so used to being the way I am, it’s hard for me to stop being this way. I’ve been constantly beating myself up over the fact that I’m judgmental and don’t give people a chance, but I feel as if nothing’s working for me. And I do want a relationship, but I feel like if I don’t change, I won’t be able to achieve that aspect of life.
What should I do? -- Judgmental Teenager
Dear Judgmental Teen: To start, show yourself some grace. Being a teenager is difficult; you’re just starting to really embark on the journey of life, figuring out who you are and growing into that person. Be gentle with yourself.
Now, in the same vein, you absolutely need to practice affording this same grace to those around you. You seem to put a lot of emphasis on external beauty. Remember that not everything of value can be seen. Get to know a person beyond their outfit or other materialistic qualities before you make your mind up about them.
Your peers are experiencing the same difficulties, self-doubt and insecurities you are. They don’t have it all together, either. Maybe in their journey of selfdiscovery, they’re experimenting with makeup, different hairstyles or types of clothes and shoes. Just because people do, say or act in ways you wouldn’t doesn’t make them wrong or less than. It simply means you are different from one another, which is a very special thing. You’d be surprised what your friendships and relationships can look like when you decide to act out of love and acceptance, and give people the benefit of the doubt.
Finally, remember that you’re not alone. Oftentimes, we feel overwhelmed and defeated when we’re trying to do something all on our own, and perhaps that’s why you feel “nothing’s working.” Try talking with your school’s guidance counselor, a trusted teacher, a friend, family member or therapist about how you’re feeling. Your burdens will feel much easier to shoulder if you have loved ones helping to lighten your load.
“How Can I Forgive My Cheating Partner?” is out now! Annie Lane’s second anthology -- featuring favorite columns on marriage, infidelity, communication and reconciliation -is available as a paperback and e-book. Visit http://www.creatorspublishing. com for more information.
Send your questions for Annie Lane to dearannie@creators.com.