House can’t fit the whole fam

WEDNESDAY, MAY 31, 2023

Dear Annie: My oldest son is 43. He lives in another state. He has a girlfriend that he lives with. They are serious but not married, but they do plan to get married. The girlfriend has four children, ages 22, 21, 14 and 12.

My son wants to come visit. He has two kids. One is 18 years old (adopted through a previous marriage), and one is 7 years old (biological daughter from another marriage).

The problem is that he wants to visit with nine people, and we have a vacation rental for our business that can accommodate only four people. We have a septic tank system here.

We really are worried about so many people staying here. I asked if he could come visit without the adult children who don’t live at home. He got really offended. He said they would be coming as a family on vacation.

We like doing things together to stay close as a family. He said he does not mind cramming everyone into the guest house. Sleeping on the beds, couches, recliner and floor. We kind of do mind. He does not understand septic systems and the problems that can arise, even though I told him.

He said if he can’t bring everyone, then he probably won’t come visit much. Or if they stay at a hotel, we won’t see them much because the kids sleep in late and they would be gone on outings a lot of the time.

Also, lots of food and drinks of some sort will be needed. That’s 11 people total. I could afford it, but still.

What do I say or do about this? -- Sad Mama

Dear Sad Mama: Of course you are sad. No one likes to feel used. You are being very generous opening up your house, and your son is being unreasonable. He is acting spoiled and using your grandchildren as bait so that he can get his way. It’s simply not right. Hold firm to four people max at the house, and if you are feeling generous, then maybe you could help financially with the hotel close by.

Dear Annie: My wife is a synagogue president, which is a highly visible position.

She has come across far more people than I ever have.

First, she has a so-called friend from her time at Mary Kay. This woman was a pushy lady who once called my father a loser. She denied ever saying that. My spouse says that she doesn’t believe either of us because she did not hear the conversation herself. For a time, she insisted that we continue to socialize with this person and her husband, but I refused and continue to do so.

In addition, my spouse wants me to remain sociable with a couple who came into our home on New Year’s Day. I said, “Happy New Year” to both, and they said absolutely nothing in return.

This second couple has never invited us to their residence. As synagogue members, I stay away from and will not acknowledge them. The husband saw me in our on-site restaurant area and tried to initiate a conversation. It took me three times to tell him to stay away, and he finally did. He doesn’t understand why I stay distant. My spouse doesn’t think that he is “evil.”

What is your best advice? I stand my ground and will not allow any of these people to get near me. Am I justified in doing such? -- A Concerned Male

Dear Concerned Male: Your wife is a saint as well as a synagogue president.

Of course, if this were a trial and we were adding up everyone’s mistakes, then yes, you might be justified in not wanting to socialize with a couple who was rude to you or the woman you heard say mean things about your father. But all of that could also be a misunderstanding; maybe the woman did not speak badly about your father, and your wife is right in giving her the benefit of the doubt.

Instead of asking if you are justified, how about asking how you and your wife can have nice, harmonious friendships with other members of the synagogue, and also spending oneon-one time with your wife? Both are important for marriages: alone time and social time with friends. But if you keep finding faults with all her friends, that will continue to make life a whole lot more challenging for both of you.

“How Can I Forgive My Cheating Partner?” is out now! Annie Lane’s second anthology -- featuring favorite columns on marriage, infidelity, communication and reconciliation -is available as a paperback and e-book. Visit http://www.creatorspublishing. com for more information.