Taking responsibility for sex addiction
Dear Annie: My own experience tells me that your advice to Starving Wife may have overlooked another possibility.
I lived for years with what Starving Wife is experiencing. My sexual relationship began with my husband when he was 42 and I was 45. Our sexual relationship was good until we married three years later. Alas, he “just wasn’t interested anymore,” so he said. We went to counseling, and he lied to the counselor. He had his testosterone checked and it was normal.
After 15 years of living this hell, I learned that he was having sex with his secretary two times a week at lunch at her home. Her husband worked out of town. My husband was an executive vice president at a large company and a popular community volunteer, and I was a respected business owner. We both have college degrees. I learned this relationship with her had been happening for 20 years. It began seven years before I met him. Thus, during our courtship, he was having sex with both of us along with three other women. He no longer desired sex with me once we married because he was addicted to forbidden sex. Prior to learning of his relationship with his secretary, I sought counseling from a preacher who was also a registered family counselor. He told me that a healthy male that age is having sex, if not with me, then someone else. I didn’t believe it; I was dead wrong.
After I learned of his addiction, he without hesitation, received extensive counseling for his addiction. He beat the addiction. Today, years later, we have a good marriage including healthy sex.
Dear Healthy Sex: Thank you for sharing your letter; I hope it helps others who are in similar situations. I’m glad that you were able to work through things together and now have a marriage you are happy with. It’s important that your husband ultimately took responsibility for his actions and received counseling. If a cheating partner is unwilling to apologize and take the necessary steps to change, then I would always advise the other person to leave.
Dear Annie: My longtime friend seems to be outspoken when I’m around her lately. I have a nervous habit of biting my nails, and when my friend is at my house, she yells at me to stop doing that, saying it’s disgusting. It made me angry and hurt to be yelled at in my own house, but I only replied, “It’s a nervous habit.”
Aside from that, she has made remarks that I never offer her wine, and after I made her coffee, she remarked that there was so little in the cup -which was 8 ounces.
How do I respond to her outspokenness? -- Nervous Habit
Dear Nervous: No wonder you are nervous. You have a guest over who is very demanding and judgmental -- two qualities that cause anyone to feel nervous. I know she is a longtime friend, but if her behavior continues like this, it might be time to find a new friend and accept the fact that you grew apart. As for your nail biting, it is probably something that should be treated. Consult a professional to help you manage this behavior.
Dear Annie: My stepdaughter moved out of our house about five months ago to be with a guy she met online.
Things are not going well. For starters, he doesn’t work; she does. He manipulates her and threatens to take her money, and last but not least, he beats her.
This whole situation is breaking my wife’s heart and mine. She left him for about a week but then went back -- because he said he has changed. Bull. We were very close, but since she’s been with him, she’s been told not to contact me in any way nor to see me. What do I do? -- Feeling Helpless
Dear Feeling Helpless: This is a very serious situation. Your stepdaughter needs help and support immediately. Please encourage her to contact www. thehotline.org. In addition, if you have a local YWCA organization, contact them. They usually have great resources. She must get out of this situation as quickly as possible.
“How Can I Forgive My Cheating Partner?” is out now! Annie Lane’s second anthology -- featuring favorite columns on marriage, infidelity, communication and reconciliation -is available as a paperback and e-book. Visit http://www.creatorspublishing. com for more information.
Send your questions for Annie Lane to dearannie@creators.com.