Nuisance calls and having fun

Followers of this weekly missive will know that I am technically ‘reluctant’. I don’t have a smart phone or any other hand-held device to carry around and constantly monitor. I do have a land line and an answering machine which suits me just fine.

Even then, like most of you, I face a seemingly daily barrage of unwanted calls, phone solicitations, charge-card warnings and a dozen other irritating messages from people I’d rather not hear from. To counteract these nuisance calls - getting rid of them entirely is a non-starter - I’ve developed a series of measures that are not only effective but lots of fun. Here’s some advice.

The first thing to do is to listen to the background noise. If the caller is sitting in a room with fifty or so other cold-callers there’s always the faint sound of other voices and general office noise; a sure sign you’re being hassled. This is where ‘playing ignorant’ is a plus in our bilingual province.

“Bonjour, parlez-vous Français?” The reply, “non.”

“Do you speak English? “

“No,” The next sound you’ll probably hear is the click of the receiver as the caller hangs up.

Then there’s the common opener, “Can I speak with Madame Loiselle – or whatever your spouse’s name is to which the reply is “She’s not here.”

“Am I speaking to Monsieur Loiselle?” Again “No.”

“Do you know when she will be back?” A long pause while you think, then, “Not really.”

Another tactic that seems to work is to out-talk the caller. Before he or she gets into full spin mode, ask their name and where they’re calling from. Mention the weather and ask them how long they’ve been in the business. Feel free to ramble on about how busy you are and offer them sympathy for how difficult their job must be. Explain you haven’t got much time since the baby needs changing and inquire if they have children of their own; just don’t let them get a word in. Click.

Since I am usually up around 6:00 I often get the 7:30 early bird calls. My favourite reply is to ask if they’ve had breakfast yet. Whatever they say, the answer is simple: Well, I haven’t. Click.

One tactic that seems to work for those irritating political party polls so common particularly during an election period, whether it be Liberal, Conservative, NDP or Bloc Quebecois, is to announce with as much righteous fervour as you can muster, “Sorry, I’m a member of our local Marxist-leninist collective and refuse to support any party that believes in the suppression of the working class, racial minorities or any member of the LGBTQ community.” After that I guarantee they won’t ask how you feel about Justin Trudeau or Pierre Poilievre and they won’t call back.

Unsolicited calls are a pain but they won’t stop. The least you can do is have fun with them.