Finding peace after a loved one loses their battle to addiction
MONDAY, APRIL 8, 2024
Dear Readers: A great many of you wrote in with stories of your own about the pain of caring for a loved one who is in the middle of an addiction. Below are two letters that I hope bring some comfort to those living with loved ones who are struggling with addiction to know they are not alone. I also encourage family members to attend Al-anon meetings.
Dear Annie: About a week ago, “Heartbroken Grandpa” sent a letter about his granddaughter’s addiction and death. He wonders if there was something else he should have done. I’ve been there. My son also had an addiction, but his was with alcohol.
We did everything that we could. He knew that he was an alcoholic; he tried to get away from it. He would attend AA meetings, and then after a week or two, he would stop going and be back to drinking again. This pattern was repeated several times. He entered detox centers several times. We even had an intervention.
All of this was in vain, because he always returned to drinking. He seemed helpless to control the addiction, and this helplessness took its toll. He also ended up dead, by his own hand.
That was many years ago, and he was only a few years older than the granddaughter in the letter. So, “Heartbroken Grandpa,” let go of the guilt; there probably was nothing that you could have done to change the situation. Just pray for her, as I pray for my son every day. Be at peace. -- Still Heartbroken
Dear Annie: I really appreciate your response to “Heartbroken Grandpa,” whose family members regret that they had made the difficult tough love decision to separate themselves from the destructive, addicted granddaughter, only to see their prayers for her go unanswered.
Addiction is truly a cruel beast, as you wisely noted, and one of its nastiest twists of the knife is the fantasy that applying good, commonsense solutions to chaos will necessarily prevail. Yes, tough love and prayer often can work, but not always, because addiction is a relational disorder that can separate individuals from needed communities, as well as a medical disorder and, of course, a spiritual separation.
Grandpa is heartbroken because what is being asked of him is almost impossible. Whereas love unifies, addiction separates, and there is no one correct path but to remember your words -- “your granddaughter was so much more than her (addiction).” The future of any successful solution to the addictions that plague us must start with that unifying thought: the addict is so much more than their addiction.
Dear Annie: I’ve recently reconnected with a former co-worker with whom I had lost track of after her first husband committed suicide. She divorced her second husband when she found him in bed with another woman. She has an adult son from her second marriage.
After reconnecting, we’ve been talking three or four nights a week and finally agreed to go out to dinner with one of her new co-workers and her husband. When we met the other couple at the restaurant, my former coworker latched on to my hand as she introduced me. As we were walking to my truck to go home, she latched on to my hand again and squeezed it hard enough to get me to stop walking. As I looked at her, she said for as long as we have known each other, she’s always wanted to hold my hand and kiss me, and she promptly kissed me on the cheek.
On our drive back to her apartment, she held my hand the entire way while we chatted about different things. She asked me what was wrong, and I said nothing, just that I was thinking about why she wanted to hold my hand and then surprise me by kissing me. We both agreed that cooking for one really stinks and that we both could use that other “special person” at this point in our lives. We both also agreed that, at this point in our lives, we both need some romance.
As we got to her apartment building, she gave me one more hug and kiss on the cheek and invited me in for one beer before I left for home. I accepted. Shortly after bringing the beers, she began playfully tickling me and I did the same, and that led to some serious kissing.
When we finally stopped kissing, I looked at my watch and said I had to go. I told her I had promised a friend I’d ride with him to Lynchburg, Virginia, to deliver some boxes to his daughter who had just moved into a new apartment and I had to be ready to go hit the road when he came to get me at 7:00 a.m. I told her that I had a good time and thanked her for getting me out of the house for something else other than work. We kissed goodnight, and off I went to get some sleep at home.
We tried dating 40 years ago and it didn’t click. My question to you is, do I give romance another chance with this woman? -- Pondering
Dear Pondering: It sounds like you and this woman have a lot in common, not to mention chemistry. Have an honest, open conversation with her about what taking the next step looks like, and make sure you two are on the same page. You’re both single and looking for your next meaningful, longlasting relationship -- what’s the harm in giving it another go? This could be the start of something beautiful.
“How Can I Forgive My Cheating Partner?” is out now! Annie Lane’s second anthology -- featuring favorite columns on marriage, infidelity, communication and reconciliation -is available as a paperback and e-book. Visit http://www.creatorspublishing. com for more information.
Send your questions for Annie Lane to dearannie@creators.com.