Mother-in-law love
MONDAY, APRIL 15, 2024
Dear Annie: I have been married for 15 years. A little over a year ago, I started having an affair with an ex-girlfriend. The affair ended a month ago. It is over and done with.
I am not sure if I should tell my wife about it or just keep it a secret. I feel that if I tell her, nothing good would come from it, other than being truthful. However, I see it destroying the trust she has in me. I can’t think of a good reason to tell her. What should I do? -- A Cheater in Upstate NY
Dear Cheater: Ask yourself what your intentions are in confessing. Are you doing it to relieve yourself of guilty feelings? The feelings are there, whether you tell her or not. The real question to ask is why you cheated in the first place. That might be better flushed out with a therapist.
Dear Annie: I have been married to my husband for 38 years, and it took me quite a long time to realize that this dynamic of being interrupted was not going to change, no matter what I did or said. That type of person is only interested in listening to themselves talk about family stories and things that happened in the past.
If any of your readers find themselves in similar situations, it might be useful for them to take a discreet survey of all family members when they are being interrupted. I was very surprised to discover, after the fact, that my motherin-law took my side when I was very rudely interrupted by my brother-inlaw.
She left the table, a fact that she confided in my husband later on. She told him that she just couldn’t stand how I was constantly being interrupted. She comes from a background of avoiding confrontation at all costs, so
I don’t ever expect her to say anything, but her actions speak loudly enough for me and make me love her all the more. -- Love My Mother-in-law
Dear Love My Mother-in-law: Being interrupted is rude and frustrating, no matter how you look at it. I’m printing your letter because it is nice to hear someone praising mothers-in-law. Usually, people write in to share their frustrations with them, so it was sweet to hear that you love her and that she saw the situation as you did. When she got up and left the table, she was sending a strong message in her own quiet way. Actions speak louder than words.
Dear Annie: As someone who has long suffered from an easily stressed digestive system, I suggest that “Gut Feelings” also see a functional medicine practitioner. Food sensitivities and gut dysbiosis are very common, yet unrecognized, causes of distress.
With testing to evaluate digestive health and identify imbalances, digestive comfort can often be attained with dietary changes and supplements. I’ve been there and am now feeling so much better. -- Healthy Gut
Dear Healthy: Congratulations on getting your gut in good health. Taking proper care of one’s body through healthy foods, exercise, meditation or prayer, and lots of sleep, love and laughter, is always a good idea.
Dear Annie: I have a friend, “Donna,” who lives in another state. We’ve been friends for three years. Due to past trauma of being cheated on, I have trust issues, not just in relationships but friendships as well. I’ve damaged and even lost a few friends because of these issues.
Donna is an introvert and doesn’t want to talk all the time. I’m more extroverted. When she says she can’t or doesn’t want to talk, I have doubts about our friendship and it causes fights between us. It hurts because I know she’s a true friend, but I struggle to bring myself to trust her because I think about what I’ve experienced before.
Truth be told, ever since I moved, I’ve missed having a true friend who’s close by. Making friends where I moved to has been a struggle. I’ve tried counseling, but it is expensive. I want to go, but affording it is a challenge. I dislike where I moved from but miss the hell out of my friend. Please help. -- Lonely in Wyoming
Dear Lonely: Don’t take Donna’s introversion too personally. Everyone has different communication styles, and just because yours don’t exactly match doesn’t mean she doesn’t still love and value your friendship. Let her know how much you miss her and how you’ve been struggling in isolation after your move. Suggest that you set a standing date -- once a week or every other -- for a phone call or Facetime to catch up and keep in touch.
As for settling in in your new city, put your extroversion into volunteering, joining a club or hitting some local scenes to meet people who share your interests. There might also be online therapy or low-cost counseling near you that’s more affordable than the options you’ve already looked into. Remember that growth takes time. Be gentle with yourself.
Dear Annie: I wanted to take a moment and let you know how much I enjoy your column; I think you give the best responses to your readers. I do not have a question, but rather some valuable advice for your readers. You see, I grew up in a home with a toxic marriage modeled by my parents. I remember being about 10 when my mom found out about my dad’s affair and we rode around with a baseball bat, searching for the “other woman.”
Fast forward, they just celebrated 50 years together, and my dad calls me complaining about my mom, and my mom calls me complaining about my dad. I am frankly TIRED of it. If you are in a bad marriage, consider this your approval to end it. I married a man who my counselor said was cut from the same cloth as my mom. It is true! We model and are drawn to it and don’t even realize it.
My mom always taught me that you stay no matter what. I am about to graduate college and will be a social worker. I am so excited to empower/ teach others to end what does not serve them. Love is not enduring unlimited abuse, and you don’t get a trophy for the years you stay. This really damages the children; they typically grow up modeling the same stuff they’ve seen, and when you put them in the middle, it sucks! The more I heal, the more dysfunction I see. -- Willing to Walk
Dear Willing: Thank you for your letter and wise words. I’m sorry to hear about all the traumas you’ve experienced but am glad they have given you such a strong sense of selfworth and awareness of what you deserve. I agree it’s so important to protect ourselves, our mental peace and overall well-being. Here’s to letting go of the things that do not serve us.
“How Can I Forgive My Cheating Partner?” is out now! Annie Lane’s second anthology -- featuring favorite columns on marriage, infidelity, communication and reconciliation -is available as a paperback and e-book. Visit http://www.creatorspublishing. com for more information.
Send your questions for Annie Lane to dearannie@creators.com.