About to blow

Dear Annie: I’ve been married for 26 years. I have a 24-year-old son at home on the autism spectrum, and his 4-yearold daughter, of whom he has full custody. They get by with my help, and money, of course.

I have always been a very loving and supportive husband. I cook, clean, do laundry and whatever else needs to be done. I’m getting older now and developing arthritis. For a while, I would push through the pain to pamper my wife. Now, when we sit down, she throws her leg on me and says, “Rub my feet.” I didn’t mind when she appreciated it, but now that she expects it, this ruins it for me. If I say no, she gets upset.

When I try to talk to her about it, she turns it back on me and says that I shouldn’t blame her for my problems. She said that since I’ve been doing it so long, she just expects it. This is not very comforting. She said, “Why don’t you have some alone time and do something that makes you happy?”

For 26 years, I’ve never had alone time. I go to work, and then go home to my family. If I tell my wife I want to go somewhere by myself, she assumes I’m going to meet another woman. Plus, after 26 years of only thinking about my family, I have no clue what makes me happy. I just know I’m not. -- Resentment

Dear Resentment: No one likes to feel unappreciated. Your wife ordering you to rub her feet sounds like she is acting more like a tyrant than a considerate, loving partner. Then again, you have allowed this reign of terror for quite some time.

Instead of brewing like a little teakettle that is going to blow, just tell her exactly how you feel. It is understandable that her lack of appreciation has made you not want to do nice things for her, but you have to tell her that. Couples therapy could help ease this conversation, so that pent-up resentments could be dealt with calmly.

Dear Annie: I read with interest the letter from the 63-year-old mother whose children felt she was wasting her money by going back to school and finishing her degree. I dropped out of college to put my husband through school when his father became ill and could not help him financially anymore.

After four children, two of whom got college degrees, I decided to go back to college and finish my degree. I chose to major in accounting.

I graduated cum laude at the age of 56. It took me seven months to get the job of my dreams, but after eight years of working, my husband and I were able to pay everything off, accumulate a great nest egg, and now we can travel wherever we want. Better yet, our children don’t have to worry about taking care of us if things were to get bad.

Our children would not have dared to tell me I was making a mistake, even though my husband had a nice pension in addition to Social Security. I don’t know what this woman’s situation is, but she is making a great choice to go for what she wants. I hope she finishes what she started. -- Happy I Went Back to College

Dear Happy I Went Back: Thank you for sharing your letter. You set a wonderful example that it is never too late to fulfill your dreams and that taking risks can pay off. Congrats again. In addition to the financial security that you have achieved, you have the knowledge that you acquired by going back to school.

I am reminded of a family saying: “You can lose your money, your looks and your youth, but no one can take away your education.”

Dear Annie: I work in a small office with only four employees and one supervisor. Two of my colleagues and I are coffee drinkers. Instead of starting a coffee fund, we started taking turns bringing in a fresh container when we find the previous one is running low. This system has worked for us and has prevented any issues from arising.

What we do have an issue with is our supervisor helping himself to the coffee without ever offering to chip in for his share. This has been going on for almost a year, and the three of us are really getting fed up. It has gotten to the point where we will purposely get less coffee just so he won’t have a chance to get any. I realize this might be petty, but I don’t know how to make him understand that he is taking advantage. All we want is for him to contribute his fair share.

How can we approach this subject with him? What can we say to make him realize he is in the wrong? -- The Fa”brew”lous Three

Dear Fa”brew”lous Three: The way you signed your letter indicates an exclusive club in which outsiders might not feel welcome. Now, since the troublemaker is your boss, the three of you have to make a decision: Is it worth it to upset your supervisor? If not, then decide in advance that the three of you will pay for him.

But if you really resent that -because it is unfair -- then I would suggest putting a coffee plan for the office in writing and asking everyone who drinks coffee, including the supervisor, to participate. The plan should be impersonal: If three workers participate, the cost -- or responsibility for bringing a container -- will be so much, and if four people participate, the cost per person will be that much less. If he refuses to participate and continues to drink your coffee, then you can either tell him to cut it out or report his behavior to his boss.

The main thing is to keep it impersonal. Don’t attack him for being a mooch. Just lay out the numbers for everyone to see.

Dear Annie: My husband of almost 20 years died in a motorcycle accident. Since then, I was unintentionally reacquainted with my first kiss/ boyfriend, “Fred.” We met again, literally, the same week my mom died. We both fell hard in love with each other.

After enduring numerous horrific drunken hurtful situations with Fred over a period of five years, who never told me he blacks out when he drinks alcohol, I am finding myself wondering how much of our five-year relationship he remembers. Does he remember it as I do? We live apart in our own houses.

He helps me a lot. He’s my mechanic, landscaper and handyman, and he’s also a friend. He knows that I’ve been dating and seeing other men the entire time we’ve been apart. Knowing that he experienced a traumatic head injury, do I dare try a relationship with him again? He doesn’t drink any longer. He said he has no apparent desire to. Do I give him another opportunity to make a life together? -- Second Chances

Dear Second Chance: I’m very sorry that you suffered the loss of your husband. Fred sounds like he is trying. The fact that he does not drink anymore is huge and would change the dynamics of your relationship. However, without more specifics about this traumatic head injury, it if difficult to know how that could change your relationship. Are you ready to support him through any subsequent mental, emotional or physical traumas? If you love him, he loves you and you’re both going into this relationship with your eyes open, then go for it. If he starts drinking again or if you’re not on the same page, then it’s time to say goodbye to Fred.

“How Can I Forgive My Cheating Partner?” is out now! Annie Lane’s second anthology -- featuring favorite columns on marriage, infidelity, communication and reconciliation -is available as a paperback and e-book. Visit http://www.creatorspublishing. com for more information.

Send your questions for Annie Lane to dearannie@creators.com.