Thoughts for Memorial Day

MONDAY, MAY 27, 2024

Dear Readers: Memorial Day is a federal holiday in the United States for honoring and mourning the U.S. military personnel who died while serving in the United States Armed Forces.

“Vigil Strange I Kept on the Field One Night” by Walt Whitman

“Vigil strange I kept on the field one night; / When you my son and my comrade dropt at my side that day, / One look I but gave which your dear eyes return’d with a look I shall never forget, / One touch of your hand to mine O boy, reach’d up as you lay on the ground, / Then onward I sped in the battle, the even-contested battle, / Till late in the night reliev’d to the place at last again I made my way, / Found you in death so cold dear comrade, found your body son of responding kisses, (never again on earth responding,) / Bared your face in the starlight, curious the scene, cool blew the moderate night-wind, / Long there and then in vigil I stood, dimly around me the battle-field spreading, / Vigil wondrous and vigil sweet there in the fragrant silent night, / But not a tear fell, not even a long-drawn sigh, long, long I gazed, / Then on the earth partially reclining sat by your side leaning my chin in my hands, / Passing sweet hours, immortal and mystic hours with you dearest comrade -- not a tear, not a word, / Vigil of silence, love and death, vigil for you my son and my soldier, / As onward silently stars aloft, eastward new ones upward stole, / Vigil final for you brave boy, (I could not save you, swift was your death, / I faithfully loved you and cared for you living, I think we shall surely meet again,) / Till at latest lingering of the night, indeed just as the dawn appear’d, / My comrade I wrapt in his blanket, envelop’d well his form, / Folded the blanket well, tucking it carefully over head and carefully under feet, / And there and then and bathed by the rising sun, my son in his grave, in his rude-dug grave I deposited, / Ending my vigil strange with that, vigil of night and battle-field dim, / Vigil for boy of responding kisses, (never again on earth responding,) / Vigil for comrade swiftly slain, vigil I never forget, how as day brighten’d, / I rose from the chill ground and folded my soldier well in his blanket, / And buried him where he fell.”

“The Fallen” by Randall W. West, courtesy of Family Friend Poems

“Fragile is a single life the brave so freely give. / Bound for immortality, their souls will surely live. / Death, don’t be proud for what you took, they freely gave away. / Their quest for freedom far outweighed the fear that you convey. / They joined the ranks of warriors, staying vigil day and night. / They often skipped a meal or two, but they never missed a fight. / God bless the men and women whose fighting days are done. / Say a special prayer at night for each and every one. / Rest assured that you will find throughout the coming years / These fallen warriors will return in the hearts of all their peers! / If we forget their sacrifice, their deaths will be in vain. / Let’s stand beside their loved ones as we sing their last refrain: / You’ve come upon our heaven’s gate / You surely won’t have long to wait. / The saints will take good care of you, / But there is still a lot to do. / You’ve joined the ranks of everyone / Who fought so freedom could be won. / Although your job on earth is done, / Your work in heaven’s just begun.”

Dear Annie: I have been married now for just over three decades to who I thought was the love of my life. For years, I have noticed that my husband regards his birth family to be No. 1 and our immediate family No. 2.

He was hooked on his beautiful and caring mom until she was tragically taken back home to rest with our Lord. Now it seems that his wonderful sister has become like his mom. He discusses EVERYTHING with her. As you can tell from my letter, I absolutely adore my in-laws, and I do not mind sharing the ups and downs of my birth family with them, but on my own time, not my husband’s. When I brought this up to him, he got very indignant. I thought that I had brought up the subject to him in a very caring way. No, it was horrible.

I have been very patient with him over the years through his addictions and ailments. I have stuck by his side. Now he’s been unemployed for over a year. Although he picks up all the slack at home, which is something I really appreciate, I can no longer sleep next to him in good conscience. I know that we could use a good therapist, but what I really want to know is if it’s time to throw in the towel. -- Last to Know in Maryland

Dear Last to Know: After three decades together, feeling like a secondary priority in your husband’s life must be particularly painful and isolating.

Given your husband’s current unemployment and previous struggles, it’s possible that his leaning on his sister represents a search for stability or escape rather than a deliberate neglect of your relationship. However, he should still be making room for you in the same ways he does for his sister, and did for his mother before her.

Before deciding to throw in the towel, I would strongly recommend, as you mentioned, exploring therapy. If therapy is not an option or doesn’t lead to improvement, then it might be time to consider more serious changes. Whatever decision you make, be sure it is one that puts your emotional and mental well-being as top priorities. You deserve to feel valued and central in your marriage.

Dear Annie: I’m writing in response to “Protective of Pets,” the woman whose husband shows great disdain for her dogs but somewhat tolerates the animals their granddaughter brings around. She said her husband “allows her” to have only one pet inside. Allows her? This sounds like a marriage where she cooks, cleans and does the majority of the family’s emotional and social business. I am sure she is working more than 40 hours each week and the house is likely equally her domain, so she should decide the rules.

I deeply regret my early years of marriage when my husband declared, “I don’t want a dog in the house,” and my dog lived outside for two years. I am sure this shortened my pup’s life.

“Protective” needs to stand up and advocate for her pets as it is her home as well. She needs to fight the patriarchy in this situation and get what she needs emotionally on a daily basis, which sounds like her dog as a companion and not her husband. -- Up With Pets, Down With Patriarchy

Dear Up With Pets: I agree it’s very likely that this woman’s husband is controlling in more ways than just this one, which can only be putting more of a strain on their marriage. Couples counseling, if possible, would be the best next step.

And as much as “Protective” loves her pets, the life they have been subjected to -- living outside -- is an unfair one. Many other readers suggested rehoming these dogs to families who can love and care for them in the way they deserve. I wholeheartedly echo them.

Send your questions for Annie Lane to dearannie@creators.com.