When uncharacteristic behavior signals an underlying health issue

MONDAY, JUNE 17, 2024

Dear Annie: Not quite 20 years ago, I worked for a local authority mental health agency with about 650 employees. I worked in the human resources department and knew all the employees by name because I literally had access to everything about them. I made out their paychecks, did all their insurance, and added and subtracted items as their lives evolved.

We had one employee who was not meeting our standards and was slacking off at every turn. He had worked for us for years, and his supervisor was at his wits’ end. He worked in the substance abuse department, and the HR director thought he was burnt out.

So the HR director moved him to the aging department, saying, “A change is as good as a rest.” The employee was happy with his new department, and we thought the problem was solved -- until the new supervisor started to have problems with him -- the same problems that the prior supervisor was having.

The young HR director requested “a fit to work” on this man.

I had known this man for years. Like all the employees, we had interaction often. He knew me.

The test came back that this 54-yearold man had advanced dementia. Before I could complete his long-term disability, I was making calls to his house that were so sad because of his confusion.

Since then, I plead with people to understand that if someone is acting out of character, then you need to think it might be a medical issue. People need to stop thinking that a nice guy somehow turned into a jerk overnight. My perfect wife somehow turned into a witch overnight. My lovely mother all of a sudden turned into an ornery old biddy overnight. Before you complain, get a divorce, or sever ties with your loved ones and friends, do everyone a huge favor and take them to the doctor.

Our young HR director could have just fired this man, but he was smart enough, and compassionate enough, to get a “fit to work” on this 54-year-old man, who then got his longterm disability.

Step back, breathe and think, “Is this person acting out of character?” What could I do to determine the cause? A trip to the doctor would answer a lot of questions. -- An Old Lady in Salt Lake City

Dear Lady in Salt Lake City: Thank you for your letter. You bring up a wonderful point! Getting a “fit to work” appraisal is one of the most compassionate things you can do for someone. Knowledge is power. When we have all the facts, we can make a well-informed decision.

Dear Annie: Lately, I find myself thinking a lot about old roommates, friends and co-workers. I’m talking about people from over 30 years ago, whom I haven’t spoken to in decades. I think I would like to tell them how they have impacted my life in positive ways. Should I reach out to them or would that just be self-serving and weird? I mean, if I were to reach out, I’m not sure what the follow-up would be: “Nice catching up with you, goodbye forever”?

Tell me, Annie. Is this sort of feeling normal as we age, and should I act on it or just forget about it? -- Too Much Time to Think

Dear Too Much: Reminiscing more with age is not only common; it can be hugely beneficial, provided it’s positive/productive in nature, which yours is. A 2016 study of 47 people living in senior care facilities found that after sharing memories, family history and personal accomplishments, participants experienced fewer feelings of loneliness and depression. So, keep taking those laps around Memory Lane.

And to the question of whether or not you should reach out to these old friends and acquaintances, my answer is a resounding yes! Too often it’s not until after people are gone that we express how much they meant to us. Drop them a line today. Let them know you’ve been thinking of them lately and that you’re glad for the time you knew them. There’s a good chance you’ll make their day.

Dear Annie: I’ve been friends with “Remy” for six years. We both play the same computer game on the same platform, and we always enjoy chatting as we play. A little over a year ago, I was single and found myself developing feelings for Remy. We’d always just been friends, but gradually, an attraction grew. Before I knew what was happening, we both found ourselves falling in love. We have so many similarities and shared interests. It’s so easy to talk to each other. It’s been over a year of our sharing this intense, romantic connection.

But there’s a catch. I knew that she was technically married and had a kid, but I always thought that she was separated from her husband. It turned out that wasn’t the case. She insists she’s going to separate from him, though, and is just waiting for her new house to be done so that she can move. Meanwhile, I’m in limbo, not knowing what’s going to happen.

Annie, what do you do when the woman you love is unhappily married? She says she loves me and wants to be with me. And I’m so excited to have found someone who connects with me so deeply. Our only clashes come on the weekends when she has to play house and can’t write to me. I’ve mostly been understanding up until now, but it’s starting to get a bit frustrating. -- Lover in Limbo

Dear Lover: What you call “playing house” is her living her real life. Your digital rendezvous are her playtime -a way for her to escape the day-to-day drudgery, blow off some steam and avoid having to make any substantial changes to her situation. She might not be conscious of the fact that this is what she’s doing, but it doesn’t make it any more acceptable. The bottom line is that if she were going to leave her husband, she’d have done so already. Pull the plug and free yourself up to connect with a loving, available woman -- one you can meet in person.

“How Can I Forgive My Cheating Partner?” is out now! Annie Lane’s second anthology -- featuring favorite columns on marriage, infidelity, communication and reconciliation -is available as a paperback and e-book. Visit http://www.creatorspublishing. com for more information.

Send your questions for Annie Lane to dearannie@creators.com.