TALKING TECH

It’s now officially impossible for car launches to get any more crazy or awesome

This month, our columnist Duncan Bell gets to go on the press event of his life, and he isn’t the least bit smug about rubbing shoulders with the one and only Mila Jovovich

It was like a slightly pretentious car advert, but nonetheless it was gobsmacking

In the bar, the people at the next table have literally frozen on the spot. In the corner, a group of card players have done the same, now sitting as still as statues. Statues of card players. In a bar.

International megamodel, movie star and mum Mila Jovovich leans in, lightly touches my shoulder and breathily intones, “When a door opens, you should walk through it.” A camera flash pops, capturing the moment.

So, yeah, that was my last evening out. What have you been up to lately?

Part of the fun of being a tech journalist is being invited to lots of snazzy, swanked-up events, where I get fed canapés by attractive young people from Eastern Europe, in return for sitting through a ten-minute presentation about a new sat-nav, or what have you. It’s a decent perk.

Now and then, I’ll get invited to an event so spectacular, it makes your average flagship-smartphone launch seem like a leaving do for an unpopular colleague. But Toyota’s ‘The Night That Flows’ immersive event for its C-HR car? Now, that really took the biscuit.

Car-razy

I have a theory about cars that actually applies to a lot of tech products: they’re practically all good. Seriously, when was the last time someone brought out a car that stank? It never happens. The same goes for nearly all smartphones, TVs and laptops above a certain price point. We’re in a kind of techy golden age – which is probably why everyone is so miserable.

Basically, (as the song says) everything is now literally awesome, which means brands have to work harder than ever to sell their wares.

Traditional advertising just won’t cut it, so one promotional method that’s dead popular nowadays is to get opinion-forming ‘influencers’ – for instance, Kate Moss, Joe ‘The Body Coach’ Wicks, George Clooney, or me – to mention a product to their legions of adoring fans.

As you can see, in the case of Toyota’s C-HR, this approach has worked very well. The car’s full name is actually the ‘Coupé High Rider’, which sounds a bit like a high-class prostitute from an EL James novel. I’m not a prostitute, high-class or otherwise, but I’m more than happy to plug the car, because the event to launch it was just really, ridiculously impressive.

Here’s what happened: I was driven, with two other influencer types, to an industrial estate in south London.

Now, I know you’re probably thinking, “That doesn’t sound very swanky,” but bear with me. What Toyota had set up was an “immersive experience”. Yes, that makes it sound shit as well, so let me explain what it really was: a movie, in which I was the star and my co-star was Mila Jovovich. Yes, that Mila Jovovich.

We walked or were driven from location to location, across a vast and sprawling set, as movie-esque things happened around us. It was seamless. Opulent. Preposterous? Well, yes, that too, but I’m not complaining.

A C-HR drove round and round me at speed as I sat at a roulette table. We were mobbed by paparazzi, surrounded by dancers at a full-on rave, and given a brief lecture on the subject of sunglasses design. I didn’t quite get that bit.

Now, OK, when I said ‘movie’, what I really meant is ‘slightly pretentious car advert’ – but nonetheless, it was gob-smacking. Even the exquisite embarassment of having to talk to actors ‘doing improv’ in supporting roles couldn’t stop it from being one of the most singular experiences of my life.

What did I learn about the car? That it looks like a cut-down Batmobile – or perhaps a robot pitbull – and has rear doors with handles in a weird place, and remarkably small windows. Reading from the press release now, I can add that it also boasts “the lowest centre of gravity in its class”, it comes in both 1.8-litre hybrid and 1.2-litre petrol options, and it costs from £20,995 on the road.

What did I learn about launching a car? That if you throw an event as incredible as Toyota did, I will totally write about it, even though I hardly ever write about cars. What remains to be seen is how any product launch – be it a car, gadget or cure for baldness – can ever top this. When everything is awesome, making a new product stand out just gets tougher and tougher.