TALKING TECH

I’ve seen the future… and it has an app and blows water and hot air up your arse

Lav-talking expert Duncan Bell gets to talk toilet tech this month. It’s urinal you’ll ever need to know.

It’s a terrible world we live in, isn’t it readers? War, terror, corruption, a President made of sweaty, orange putty. These are GRIM TIMES.

But do you know what keeps me happy amidst all the travails? Toilets. As a British person, I find khazis almost endlessly hilarious. I expect you do too!

For reasons I’ll come to shortly, I recently was speaking to some leading members of the interior design press. They actually get to go to press conferences for sinks and baths and taps and toilets. At a recent one, a new loo was announced, with great fanfare.

All the European journalists sat solemnly nodding and scribbling notes saying things like “dual flush – v good” and “heated seat”.

Meanwhile, in the British part of the room, they were all prodding each other, chortling like excited goats, making fart noises and shouting “Bum!” when the CEO wasn’t looking.

That’s what tech is for, really. I’ve given up on it bringing about some kind of connected, hippy utopia. But it can still bring gaiety and a daily dose of pep.

This month I saw, for British people, what must be the ultimate jollityenducing gadget: a ‘smart toilet’.

It was just part of the future of home plumbing, and let me tell ya: that future is safe, filtered, carbonated and clean.

Sink piece

So, this month, I found myself at Europe’s premier plumbing and sanitation-related show: ISH, which stands for International Something Something. I never did find out.

ISH is in Frankfurt and it’s like the Geneva Motorshow of taps, sinks, baths, showers and toilets – all the hottest new en suite advancements are on show. And it is HUGE. Hall after vast hall is stuffed with the most beautiful sinks, baths, and other ceramic wares.

This was great, if overwhelming. And perhaps, after the 17th hour of walking around, just a tad samey. However, there were also some truly awe-inspiring slivers of digital tech in this otherwise analogue world.

All of these came courtesy of German brand Grohe. It was actually Grohe who had invited me out there, so clearly it knows what I like.

First up was Sense Guard, a smart sensor that can actually shut off your mains supply in the event of a leak – a rare example of a smart home device that’s genuinely useful.

Even better was Blue, a tap that dispenses chilled, filtered, carbonated water, with an app that tells you when it’s time to buy a new filter. Blue is genius in terms of both home comfort and the fine art of selling you stuff.

Also on show: a ridiculously massive shower head with a Bang & Olufsen stereo built into it, and disco lights.

And then there was… The Sensia Arena. That may sound like a concert venue, but it is in fact an app-controlled smart toilet that blows water and hot air up your bum. Yes, the Japanese have had such things for years, but this is specifically for the European market.

It is a wonder of modern tech, for sure, but mainly, at ISH, it was an unmissable opportunity for me to have all the features explained by a completely straight-faced salesman. Meanwhile, I tried to avoid cackling wildly at expressions such as ‘triple vortex flush’ – “one yank, gone!” as Alan Partridge once said – ‘anti-bacterial spray nozzle’ and ‘Lady ShowerTM’. Yes, naturlich, there are “separate arms for female and rear sprays”.

Now let me talk you through more of what this thing can do, readers.

As you approach the Arena, it softly glows, so you can find it in the dark, and – as if your bathroom were attended by an overly helpful ghost – the lid rises of its own accord!

You can then go on to raise the seat, if you’re a gentleman, via the connected app. Meanwhile the toilet moistens its interior – so that nothing untoward can stick to the AquaCeramicsTM porcelain (slogan: “Clean for 100 years!”), and starts its own extraction fan, to suck away odour.

Your settings for pressure, feel and temperature of the cleaning sprays can also be set in the app, and used on any other Sensia Arena in the world.

So now if you’re the type of guy who is always on the ro-ooo-oad, wherever you lay your crap, that’s your home.

If this isn’t the greatest use of tech – and the best way to spend 15 minutes at a trade show – EVER, then frankly, readers, I don’t know what is.

It’s like the Geneva Motorshow of taps, sinks, baths, showers and toilets