Can you upgrade my toilet, Guru? I’m kind of desperate!

AEww, no, Guru is going nowhere near your toilet. But if you can convince someone else to do it – and this might mean roping in the services of both a plumber and an electrician – they can absolutely work some magic on your porcelain throne. A few months ago Guru’s pages alerted you to the existence of the Toilight (£11.99), a DIY device that effectively illuminates your nocturnal business, but that’s probably the least you can do to pretty up your privy. If you want to go the whole hog, a smart toilet is the answer.

The idea of a smart toilet originated, as you may know or have cleverly surmised, from the pampered and sparkling bottoms of the Japanese, and it’s slowly creeping over to western shores. A smart toilet generally incorporates some kind of integrated bidet, with warming functionality for both the seat and the water that squirts you clean, a light, and even a little blow dryer to blast away any drips. Those who’ve installed them offer such brilliant plaudits as “finally, hands free toileting has been achieved” and “genius toilets”, which should probably offer some level of convincing.

You can go in many directions: Amazon will sell you a functional but very ugly smart bidet attachment from a generic manufacturer for around £30, though Guru would be wary at risking his nethers to that kind of option. You can move up to a full-on smart seat (perhaps with a wireless remote control, which Guru would like to suggest you clean regularly) for in the region of £370, or you can opt to rip out your existing convenience and install a full smart toilet system for anything from £500 for Victoria Plum’s Metro to a price-of-anentire-bathroom-set £4,672 for Kohler’s artistic Veil.