Help! My BFF’s guy is a jerk
Blair Abbass and Jenny Kierstead are certified therapists, award winning educators and partners in life and business. They are the co-founders of Breathing Space Yoga Studio/Teacher Training, Yoga in Schools and Girl on Fire. They have been married for 17 years, but who's counting.
My best friend is dating a guy who's very controlling and puts her down all the time. I can't stand him and have a hard time being around him. She just told me he proposed to her, and she said yes! It's so upsetting to feel like she's choosing him over me. I want to tell her exactly what I think about him but I'm not sure how to do it.
JENNY
This does sound terribly upsetting, but you must remember your friend is an adult, and it's her prerogative to choose her own life partner. I recommend you try practicing the hand gesture that we use for co-dependence, one hand on your heart implying “This is me,” and the other hand facing away from your chest, indicating “This is you.” If you've been friends for a long time, there may be some unhealthy enmeshment that needs to be sorted out. By doing this hand gesture before and after you hang out with her can affirm that you both have the freedom to make your own life choices, while being supportive friends along the journey.
That being said, if he has demonstrated abusive behavior and you have concerns for her well-being, this is something you should bring up with utmost tenderness, out of care for her safety. If that's not the case, I might suggest you reflect on your own triggers. Does he remind you of someone in your past who betrayed or hurt you? This may be more about an unhealed issue from your past than a problem within your friend's life. If this is the case, you can write in a journal or seek outside support to address your own wounds that surface around him so you're not as reactive in his presence.
To be the devil's advocate, when Blair and I got married, we each had a few friends who warned us of the age difference and cautioned us about the apparent mismatch. We just celebrated 17 years of marriage and while we've had some rough patches, we have a deeply fulfilling union, despite the opinions of some of our wedding attendees.
Here's the thing, it's not wrong to be a concerned friend but you also have to let your bestie make her own choices and live with the consequences. Who knows? Maybe she has a huge life lesson to learn that can't be gained any other way than through this guy. Stay close, offer a listening ear, and if she asks, share your honest concerns with a gentle tone.
BLAIR
You're not alone, it's fairly common for spouses to get in the way of longstanding friendships. First, there are changes happening in your relationship with your friend and you have to go with the flow, to some degree. If you cling to the way it was in the past, you'll sabotage your friendship from blossoming into its next iteration. Friendships come and go, depending on the life experiences we share or don't share, so ready yourself for a shift either way.
To tell your friend that the intimate relationship she's chosen is not good for her will only strain your friendship. In fact, if you try to get in the middle of this relationship, yours will be the one that falls away. You must allow your friend to find out for herself how her choices affect her life. As much as it may hurt us, we must allow others to live their own lives and experience the consequences of their choices. She is not a child, she is an adult making what she believes is the best decision for herself.
I am hearing a hint of abandonment issues, so you might want to explore a time in your past when you experienced loss or abandonment and unpack the emotions that went along with that. This past hurt may be influencing the way you're dealing with this situation today.
What's key here is to be careful not to appear as though you're judging or criticizing her fiancé, which will only create a greater rift between you. Be sure to share your observations about his behavior in a supportive way. If the situation worsens, she may come to you for help at which time you can suggest they seek out couples counselling or therapy for her alone. All the best!