I’m worried my husband will leave

We've been married for over 10 years and I still get upset when my husband goes away on a boys' trip. I know he loves me, but I have this empty feeling when he leaves, as if he's not coming back. My husband's annoyed by it because he's not going away to have an affair, he just likes some time away. Is it me?

BLAIR

Thanks for writing in, sounds like you might have abandonment issues. It's important to get to the root cause of the concern and deal with it so it doesn't affect your present relationships.

For example, when I was a child, my mother left me with my aunt for several months just after I was born to return to Italy to deal with a family emergency. Upon her return, I was told that I didn't want to go with my mother, because I had attached to my aunt. In my later years, I realized that every time Jenny would go to India, I'd fear she would not come back because of this traumatic experience early in my life. Thanks to the work I'd done on this issue, I did not impede Jenny's need to study abroad and would affirm to myself “Jenny is coming back and I'm OK.” You have to come up with your affirmation that suits your situation, each time this issue arises.

Second, you also might want to explore whether or not you're satisfying your own needs or relying on your husband to meet all your needs. This can put too much pressure on your relationship and cause your husband to recoil from a clingy situation.

That said, I recommend you bring other people into your life so you're not totally dependent on one person. So get out there and find quality people to bring into your life. What I mean by quality people are those that both give and receive in a relationship and then you can fill in the blanks depending on what qualities are important for you, such as kind, supportive, non-judgmental etc. Be warned though, that many people with abandonment issues jump into relationships prematurely, risking connecting with people who aren't trustworthy, which keeps the negative cycle moving. Take your time to select friends that will have your back.

JENNY

I think we can all relate to abandonment at some level since our culture doesn't readily provide skills for taking care of others' emotional wellbeing. The fear of abandonment can weigh heavily on all of your relationships, so

I applaud you for taking a look at it. The mindfulness practice of self-inquiry is the first step in healing any issue, so you can start by noticing the details of this fear when it surfaces, and write in a journal about the first time you felt this way. Who was it with? How old were you? What happened? You may wish to do this in the presence of a therapist who can support you through this process if it's too painful to face on your own.

From there, you can do some work to heal your inner child, who still exists within all of us adults, and influences every decision we make if we're not conscious of it. The next time you feel this sense of panic about your husband leaving, you can take some time to the connect with the small person perspective within you that deals with problems in a child-like way. Acknowledge the pain that he/ she endured and then offer reassurance that you, as the adult, have the situation under control so they can relax.

That said, in order to heal your insecurity, safety is essential, so you will need to have a conversation about your issues. Let your husband know that you're working through it but that it would be helpful to discuss ways in which he can help you rise to a more confident state. You could discuss how you each give and receive love, and how you prefer to get your needs met. While this is your issue, he could also support you by agreeing to assure the frightened part of you by calling briefly or sending a text each afternoon that he's away. The more secure you both feel in the relationship, the more enriching it will be for both of you so these subtle gestures can go a long way.

Finally, with deeply rooted abandonment issues, it's common to sabotage relationships as a way of protecting oneself from intimacy and the risk of being left again. Watch out for this tendency, since gripping too tightly to any relationship can lead to its demise. Push your comfort zone with this pattern by releasing a bit of control and consider creating your own girls' retreat with friends while he's away!

Blair Abbass and Jenny Kierstead are certified therapists, award winning educators and partners in life and business. They are the co-founders of Breathing Space Yoga Studio/Teacher Training, Yoga in Schools and Girl on Fire. They have been married for 17 years, but who’s counting.