How to steal Christmas from a Who near you
A tribute to the grinchiest grinches.
Christmas is coming, it just can’t be stopped With trappings and trippings and Christmas tree stuff. From Black Friday to Eve, shopping stores in a frenzy Blasting one type of music for two months too many.
They want whosists and whatsits, phoneXs and trumpets. Going into Who-debt as tall as Mount Crumpit. Proclaiming that only they know the reason And crushing red coffee cups through the whole season.
And then come Christmas morning you know what they’ll do They’ll feast like there’s nothing but feasting for Whos. They’ll fill up their trash bags and garbage can faces Tossing packing and decorations to the curb of all places.
They’ll pound back the nog, the Who problem-drinkers While making their relatives uncomfortable thinkers. Some will get entirely too passive-aggressive Or keep you in conversations you’d like a bit less of.
Then they’ll play and they’ll sing, they’ll be downright annoying Oblivious of all the noise, noise, NOISE, they’re employing. They might call me Grinchy, slur, “Your shoes are too tight!” Or make up a heart condition that isn’t scientifically right.
They’ve been lying, spying and spreading Fake News Swearing the Grinch is nasty—but who stole from whom? It’s time to step up, quit acting in error This year we end the reign of Who-terror.
First things are first, we’ll go to the malls Fill them with hazardous traps and pitfalls. The Whos can’t buy in to their capitalist greed If they’re all stuck a-snare waiting to be freed.
From there we will go by every Who-house Sneak on to their property, like a Who-mouse Remove just one bulb from each light-up display Save both our energy and eyes from the tawdry that way.
After we puncture the blowup Santas and snowmen, We’ll jimmy a window and bust the fridge open Take every scrap that isn’t nailed down And send it to food banks all over town. Next the fake trees, we’ll set them alight The flames they will burn festive and bright. The stockings we’ll biff into a sack Repurposed as sweaters for all of our cats.
Once we win back our holiday, here’s what we’ll do: We’ll sip on tea made of Who-tears for a moment or two Then we’ll shake off our daydreams, say sorry, excuse me And get back to our jobs and pretending in Who-glee.
Because despite all our Grinchy seasonal depression You really have to answer only one question— Does the way the Whos celebrate actually affect you? Nah, you’re probably projecting, and it’s just not an issue.