Quick Hits

Sav­age re­sponds to the ques­tions he didn’t get to an­swer dur­ing his re­cent visit to Royal Oak, Michi­gan for Sav­age Love Live.

The Coast - - SAVAGE LOVE - Lis­ten to Dan Sav­age’s Weekly Love­cast at the­coast .ca

Q Is there a way of break­ing my cy­cle of be­ing to­tally sex­ual and into some­one for the first six months and then shut­ting down to the point that I don’t want to be sex­ual with them at all? What’s wrong with me? A Break­ing a long-es­tab­lished pat­tern may re­quire the aid of a ther­a­pist who can help you un­pack your dam­age—if, in­deed, this is about dam­age. Be­cause it’s pos­si­ble this could be the way your li­bido works: You could be wired for a life­time of lov­ing, short-term re­la­tion­ships.

While our cul­ture re­serves its praise for suc­cess­ful long-term re­la­tion­ships (think of those an­niver­sary gifts that in­crease in value with each pass­ing year), a short-term re­la­tion­ship can be a suc­cess. Ev­ery­one get out alive? No one trau­ma­tized? Were you able to pivot to friend­ship? Then you can re­gard that re­la­tion­ship as a suc­cess—or all those re­la­tion­ships as suc­cesses.

Q

How com­mon a kink is it to en­joy see­ing your sig­nif­i­cant other hav­ing sex with some­one else?

A

Com­mon enough to have nu­mer­ous dif­fer­ent ways of man­i­fest­ing it­self—swing­ing, hot wif­ing, cuck­old­ing, stag-and-vixen play—and an en­tire porn genre ded­i­cated to it.

Q

Cis,

fe­male, 33, poly, bi. I bruise eas­ily, am into BDSM, and love to swim in my condo’s shared pool, where there are many se­niors. Any ad­vice for hid­ing bruises or get­ting over the em­bar­rass­ment?

A

Don’t as­sume the se­nior cit­i­zens in the pool are as naive and/or eas­ily shocked as our ageist as­sump­tions would prompt us to be­lieve. Some­one who be­came a se­nior cit­i­zen to­day—who just turned 65 years old—was 35 in 1988. I hap­pen to know for a fact that peo­ple were do­ing BDSM way, way back in 1988.

Q

My hus­band is a sweet guy who is very good to me. But he is also a gun-tot­ing right-wing con­ser­va­tive, and these days that feels like an in­sur­mount­able dif­fer­ence. We have been to­gether for seven years and mar­ried for two. No kids yet. I love him—and the thought of leav­ing him is ter­ri­fy­ing—but I hon­estly don’t know if this is go­ing to work.

A

If you’re afraid to leave him be­cause of those guns, you need to get out. If you’re afraid to leave him be­cause you love him and couldn’t live with­out him, you might be able to stay. I wouldn’t be able to stay, per­son­ally, but you might. Maybe if you make “no po­lit­i­cal dis­cus­sions about any­thing, ever” a con­di­tion of re­main­ing in the mar­riage.

Q

When

you are en­ter­ing into some­thing new, how do you dif­fer­en­ti­ate be­tween in­fat­u­a­tion and real feel­ings?

A

In­fat­u­a­tion is a real feel­ing. Only time will tell if other real but more last­ing feel­ings—like, like like, love, last­ing love—will sur­face when those feel­ings of in­fat­u­a­tion in­evitably fade.

QI

I can’t can eas­ily have have one with an or­gasm my boyfriend. with toys What but gives? A Your if you boyfriend handed him could one give of you those or­gasms toys, showed then guided him his how hands you use the it first on few your­self, times and he used it on you.

Q

Why does my girl­friend en­joy anal sex more than I thought she would?

A Be­cause she does. Be­cause anal is hot. most Be­cause of it’s in­side the clit the is body a great and big anal or­gan pen­e­tra- and tion may stim­u­late the back­side of your girl­friend’s great big cli­toris in a way that’s new and dif­fer­ent and highly plea­sur­able and—hey, wait a minute.

You aren’t dis­ap­pointed she’s en­joy­ing anal more than you thought she would, are you?

Q

Don­ald Trump has been im­peached, and you get to de­cide the pun­ish­ment. So what sex toy gets used on him and who gets to use it?

A Trump doesn’t de­serve a sex toy. Sex toys are for good boys and girls. All Trump de­serves is a lump of the coal he loves so much shoved far enough up his ass to serve as a gag.

Q

Is there EVER a healthy way to par­take in sen­sual par­ties while in a monog­a­mous mar­riage?

A

Yup.

Q

The Dirty Sanchez—ac­tu­ally a thing?

A

Nope.

QI’m mar­ried and fin­ish­ing my PhD while work­ing full-time. As a re­sult, I don’t get to spend as much time as I would like with my won­der­ful hus­band. I know you’re a worka­holic as well. How do you man­age to make your hus­band feel he is get­ting the at­ten­tion/ time he de­serves?

A

When I’m to­tally stressed out and work­ing on sev­eral projects, and I don’t have the band­width to give my hus­band the at­ten­tion/time he de­serves, I take a mo­ment now and then to re­as­sure him that things will set­tle down soon and we’ll have more time to­gether. I’ve found he’s most re­cep­tive to this mes­sage when it’s de­liv­ered im­me­di­ately af­ter I’ve taken a few min­utes to blow him.

Q

Do you rec­om­mend spe­cific prostate mas­sage toys? Be­sides dick.

A

Fore­arm. a

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