Cuck­old­ing fetish: Ex­plained

“Cuck­old­ing isn’t that hard to un­der­stand,” says Dan. Plus: Is fol­low­ing up on your re­jec­tion OK?

The Coast - - SAVAGE LOVE -

QI’m a cis woman in my mid-40s, and my sig­nif­i­cant other has a cuck­old­ing fetish. My first re­sponse was “Oh, hell no!” But if I’m will­ing to have a three­some, how much fur­ther of a stretch is it, re­ally? He does have some ex­pe­ri­ence with this var­sity-level kink, so he knows what to ex­pect. I’ve asked him some ques­tions, but some things I pre­fer to re­search on my own. My ques­tions for you: 1. I don’t get cuck­old­ing. I’ve read all about it, but noth­ing about it res­onates with me. My SO re­ally wants me to be into his fetish if I am go­ing to act on it, but what if I’m just into be­ing GGG? Can’t that be enough? 2. How should I go about find­ing ap­pro­pri­ate can­di­dates who would be into shar­ing this ex­pe­ri­ence with us? I’m not re­ally sure that I’d want some­one with ex­pe­ri­ence as a bull, be­cause I don’t feel good about this play­ing out the way I’ve seen it in porn. 3. We en­joy cross-dress­ing and chastity play. How do I find some­one who will be cool about my SO sit­ting in the room in a cock lock and lin­gerie? 4. I kind of have a “type” (don’t we all), and I’m not cer­tain my type plays into this kink. I pre­fer some­one who is very dom­i­nant in pub­lic but sub­mis­sive to me in the bed­room. This doesn’t seem to align with your typ­i­cal bull be­hav­ior. How­ever, I do not en­joy be­ing dom­i­nated. Do you think this mat­ters? —Can’t Un­der­stand Cuckold Kink

A1. Cuck­old­ing isn’t that hard to un­der­stand: A cuckold gets off on their part­ner fuck­ing other peo­ple and be­ing hu­mil­i­ated or de­graded by their part­ner and/or their part­ner’s play­mates. See­ing as you al­ready en­joy dom­i­nat­ing guys and three­somes, CUCK, what’s not to en­joy about a cuck­old­ing sce­nario?

2. Vanilla PIV in­ter­course rarely plays out in real life the way it does in porn. So whether you go with an ex­pe­ri­enced bull or find some­one who’s un­fa­mil­iar with cuckold play but game, you don’t have to reen­act what­ever cuckold porn you’ve watched or read. Write your own script!

3. By us­ing your words, CUCK. Tell any guy who’s in­ter­ested in be­ing your very special guest star (VSGS) that your SO is a cuckold and he’ll be there in lin­gerie with his cock locked up. If that turns a VSGS can­di­date off, then he’s not the right VSGS for you. 4.

In most cuckold porn, the bull—the man who fucks the cuck’s wife or girl­friend (or boyfriend or hus­band) in front of him—is the dom­i­nant part­ner. But, again, you get to write your own script, and if you want your bull to be sub­mis­sive, make that clear to your po­ten­tial bulls

QI’m a 54-year-old gay guy liv­ing in New York City. I’m into bondage, and I have a pro­file on Re­con with plenty of pic­tures show­ing what I’m into. A guy vis­it­ing from San Fran­cisco cruised me. He asked me to send a face pic, and I did. He in­vited me to his ho­tel. He didn’t have any gear with him, so I stopped at a hard­ware store and picked up $40 worth of rope and duct tape on my way to meet him. But af­ter 30 sec­onds of small talk, he says he just wasn’t feel­ing it. I said OK, that hap­pens, and I left. I’m to­tally con­fused. I’m a de­cent-look­ing guy, and the photo I sent is re­cent. I was freshly show­ered, so no hy­giene or BO is­sues. Ob­vi­ously, you can’t force your­self to be into some­one, but could he have han­dled it bet­ter? Should he have fol­lowed up with a mes­sage apol­o­giz­ing? Should I reach out and ask him what hap­pened, or is that just pa­thetic? —Bondage Of­fer Not De­liv­ered Af­ter Get­ting Evicte

ATyp­i­cally when this hap­pens—pho­tos ex­changed, hookup ar­ranged, mind changed—it’s be­cause the pho­tos were out of date or were not rep­re­sen­ta­tive. Since we aren’t al­ways the best judge of our own pho­tos, BONDAGE, you should ask a friend who won’t bull­shit you to look at your pho­tos and give it to you straight.

If your no-bull­shit friend clears your pho­tos, then reach out to Mr. San Fran­cisco. He had to make a snap de­ci­sion when you ar­rived with that bag of rope and duct tape: Did he feel com­fort­able let­ting this stranger ren­der him help­less? In a vanilla hookup, he could give it a lit­tle time and back out af­ter some fore­play—it’s a lot harder to back out when the fore­play in­volves rope and duct tape. So send him a mes­sage via Re­con. Open by telling him you aren’t buttsore or an­gry, and he had ev­ery right to change his mind, even at the last minute—which means he has noth­ing to apol­o­gize for, so you aren’t owed an apol­ogy and you shouldn’t mes­sage him if you’re seek­ing one.

Then ask if you said or did some­thing that made him feel un­safe. If you did, BONDAGE, ac­cept his feed­back gra­ciously—don’t ar­gue with him or at­tempt to lit­i­gate what went down. Just lis­ten. It may not have been your in­ten­tion to freak him out by mak­ing, say, a few se­rial-killer jokes, but his im­pres­sion is what mat­ters, not your in­ten­tion. And who knows? A sin­cere ef­fort to get a lit­tle con­struc­tive feed­back may leave him feel­ing bet­ter about you and up for play­ing the next time he’s in town.

On the Love­cast, Dan chats with co­me­dian Guy Branum about ass surgery sav­agelove­

Ask if you said or did some­thing that made him feel un­safe. If you did, BONDAGE, ac­cept his feed­back gra­ciously— don’t ar­gue with him or at­tempt to lit­i­gate what went down. Just lis­ten.

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