Floored

How to help your vag bounce back from baby birthing Plus: Which is bet­ter for get­ting my kink fix: dat­ing apps or an es­cort?

The Coast - - SAVAGE LOVE -

QI’m a 40-year-old mar­ried straight woman. I gave birth to our first kid in 2015 and our sec­ond ear­lier this year. My per­ineum tore and was stitched both times. I have not been able to have sex with pen­e­tra­tion since hav­ing our sec­ond child. My OB/GYN said I’m “a lit­tle tighter now” due to the way the stitch­ing was per­formed. My hus­band is very well en­dowed and I can’t imag­ine how on earth I’m ever go­ing to get that thing back in me, let alone en­joy it. We have a his­tory of pretty hot sex and I re­ally miss it. I’ve been search­ing on­line for some sex toys to help me. I’ve never used sex toys be­fore. I’ve al­ways been able to have thrilling or­gasms eas­ily with­out any de­vices. I still can with man­ual stim­u­la­tion. But I want to have sex with my hus­band. I’m con­fused and I just don’t know what I need to help me open back up and get through the pain. Please help! —Thanks In Ad­vance

A“Un­for­tu­nately, this sit­u­a­tion is very com­mon—but luck­ily there are op­tions to help her get her groove back,” says Rachel Gel­man, a pelvic floor phys­i­cal ther­a­pist at the Pelvic Health and Re­ha­bil­i­ta­tion Cen­ter (pelvic­painre­hab.com).

Also sadly com­mon: OB/GYNs shrug­ging off con­cerns like yours, TIA.

“I see that all the time,” says Gel­man. “Part of the prob­lem is that the pelvic floor/mus­cles aren’t on most doc­tor’s radar. That’s due to many fac­tors— cough, cough, in­sur­ance com­pa­nies, cough, our dys­func­tional health care sys­tem, cough— but to wa­ter it down, it’s the OB/GYN’s job to get some­one through preg­nancy and de­liver a healthy baby. And when that’s ac­com­plished, the feel­ing is their job is done.”

But so long as you’re not able to have and en­joy PIV sex with your hung hus­band, TIA, there’s still work to do.

“TIA needs to see a pelvic floor phys­i­cal ther­a­pist,” says Gel­man. “A good PT would be able to as­sess and treat any pelvic floor dys­func­tion, which is of­ten the pri­mary cause or a con­tribut­ing fac­tor for any­one ex­pe­ri­enc­ing pain with sex, es­pe­cially af­ter child­birth.”

At this point Gel­man be­gan to ex­plain that push­ing a liv­ing, breath­ing, scream­ing hu­man be­ing out of your body is an in­tense ex­pe­ri­ence and I ex­plained to Gel­man that I’ve had to push a few liv­ing, breath­ing, scream­ing hu­man be­ings out of my body, thank you very much. Gel­man clar­i­fied that she was talk­ing about “the trauma of la­bor and de­liv­ery,” some­thing with which I have no ex­pe­ri­ence.

“La­bor and de­liv­ery can have a sig­nif­i­cant im­pact on the pelvic floor mus­cles which can cause a myr­iad of symp­toms,” says Gel­man. Pain dur­ing PIV sex sits high on the list of those symp­toms.

“The fact that TIA had tear­ing with the de­liv­er­ies means she most likely has scar tis­sue, and a PT would again be able to treat the scar to help de­crease any hy­po­mo­bil­ity and hy­per­sen­si­tiv­ity,” says Gel­man. “A pelvic floor spe­cial­ist can also in­struct her in a home pro­gram which may in­clude stretches, re­lax­ation tech­niques and di­la­tors—di­la­tors are grad­u­ated cylin­ders that are in­serted vagi­nally to help stretch the vagi­nal open­ing and pro­mote re­lax­ation of the pelvic floor.”

A set of “grad­u­ated cylin­ders” is es­sen­tially “a bou­quet of dil­dos,” TIA. You start with the small­est dila­tor/dildo, in­sert­ing it ev­ery day un­til you can insert it with­out any pain or dis­com­fort, and then you “grad­u­ate” ( nudge, nudge) to the next “cylin­der” ( wink, wink). You can or­der a set of di­la­tors on­line, TIA, but Gel­man wants you to find a doc that spe­cial­izes in sex­ual medicine first.

“There are some good med­i­cal as­so­ci­a­tions that she can check out for re­sources and to help lo­cate a provider in her area,” says Gel­man. “The web­sites of the In­ter­na­tional So­ci­ety for the Study of Women’s Sex­ual Health (ISSWSH), the In­ter­na­tional So­ci­ety for Sex­ual Medicine (ISSM) and the In­ter­na­tional Pelvic Pain So­ci­ety (IPPS) are where she should start.”

Fol­low Gel­man on In­sta­gram, @pelvichealthsf.

QI’m an early 30s het­ero-flex­i­ble man in an open mar­riage with a bi woman, though both of us have been too chicken to ac­tu­ally go through on act­ing on the “open” part. Nei­ther of us are hung up on jeal­ousy, so that’s not a fac­tor here. I re­cently con­fessed to my wife that I have had a long-stand­ing de­sire to sleep with a trans woman. Yes, I know that it’s im­ma­ture to not have dis­closed all my kink cards prior to mar­riage, but I have my rea­sons, and thank­fully, my won­der­ful wife let me off the hook and was very sup­port­ive. I ex­pressed to her that I have con­sid­ered see­ing a pro­fes­sional trans es­cort rather than try­ing for a “hook up” sit­u­a­tion. Her re­ac­tion was highly neg­a­tive, as she has the im­pres­sion that any­one in the sex trade in­dus­try is—by def­i­ni­tion—a vic­tim. Where do I go from here? I am un­com­fort­able with the idea of putting my­self out there to meet a trans woman in my city (es­pe­cially since I’m not look­ing for a re­la­tion­ship), but I don’t want to vi­o­late my wife’s trust and see an es­cort.

—Don’t Know What To Do

APut your­self on a dat­ing and/or hookup app, say that you’re part­nered and only look­ing for some­thing ca­sual and add that you wel­come re­sponses from trans women. Some trans women are rightly an­noyed by all the cis men out there who only wanna hook up, DKWTD, and never date or be seen in pub­lic with them. But trans folks are just like other folks—some are taken, some are look­ing, some are taken and look­ing. If you get grief from a trans woman who’s an­noyed that you aren’t open to dat­ing women like her, DKWTD, let her vent—her frus­tra­tions are per­fectly le­git­i­mate—while you wait for a re­sponse from a trans woman look­ing to buy what you’re sell­ing.

P.S. The trans es­corts I know—women who freely chose their jobs—will be sur­prised to learn that they’re vic­tims, at least ac­cord­ing to your highly opin­ion­ated and woe­fully mis­in­formed wife.

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