Bound and gag­ging

When brows­ing for bondage, ed­u­ca­tion comes first and play part­ners come sec­ond. PLUS: Is “try­ing to be cool” worth it?

The Coast - - SAVAGE LOVE - —Seek­ing Ad­ven­tur­ous Monogamishamy

QI’ve al­ways wanted to tie girls up, but I can never con­vince a woman to let me. Lately, I’ve been ex­plor­ing “bondage sin­gles” sites on­line, but I’m to­tally new to this. How do I know which ones I can trust? There are hun­dreds of pro­files, but it’s hard for me to be­lieve I can re­ally just an­swer an ad, meet a girl in a ho­tel room and tie her up. It can’t be that sim­ple, can it? —The In­ter­net’s En­tic­ing


AIt can’t be and it isn’t, TIED, be­cause no woman in her right mind is go­ing to let some man she’s never met be­fore tie her up in a ho­tel room. That’s not to say it couldn’t hap­pen or hasn’t ever hap­pened, but women stupid enough to take that risk are rare—and it should go with­out say­ing that any sin­gles web­site promis­ing to pro­vide lonely guys with an end­less stream of stupid women is a scam. But you don’t have to take my word for it.

Justin Gor­bey is a bondage prac­ti­tioner and ed­u­ca­tor, as well as a pro­fes­sional artist and tat­tooer. Gor­bey ties up a lot of women, as you can see on his In­sta­gram ac­count (@dask­in­baku), and he doesn’t think you’re go­ing to find some­one on a “bondage sin­gles” site, ei­ther.

“I would rec­om­mend this per­son step away from the dat­ing sites and step into some ed­u­ca­tional group meet-ups or ‘munches,’” said Gor­bey. “TIED or any new per­son should fo­cus on groups that match their own de­sires/ in­ter­ests, and con­nec­tions will de­velop or­gan­i­cally with time and ef­fort—with a lot of fuck­ing time and ef­fort!”

Kink so­cial and ed­u­ca­tion groups or­ga­nize on­line but meet up off­line—face-to-face, IRL, in meatspace—at munches (ed­u­ca­tional talks, no ac­tual play) and play par­ties (ac­tual play, hence the name). To find the kink or­ga­ni­za­tion(s) in your area, TIED, Gor­bey sug­gests that you cre­ate a pro­file on FetLife, the big­gest so­cial net­work for kinky peo­ple, and start con­nect­ing with other like-minded kinksters at munches.

“Go­ing to munches will not only give TIED a chance to meet peo­ple,” said Gor­bey, “they’ll give him a ‘guide’ for how to act—most groups gen­er­ally go over house safe words/etiquette/ rules and con­sent/risk aware­ness at the be- gin­ning of a munch—and they’ll also give what I call a ‘vis­ual vo­cab­u­lary’ of what a real-life scene looks like. Porn and fetish fan­tasy of­ten dis­tort our per­cep­tions of what is plau­si­ble or even pos­si­ble for real peo­ple in a real-life sce­nario. Just watch­ing oth­ers play helped me iden­tify the things I found at­trac­tive as both a top and a bot­tom.”

There are lots of men and women out there who are in­ter­ested in bondage, TIED, and the or­ga­nized kink scene is the best place to find safe and sane play part­ners. You’ll be able to in­ter­act with kinky women at munches and par­ties, women who will be a lot like­lier to let you tie them up af­ter you’ve demon­strated you’re safe and sane your­self.

“There are hours of in­ti­macy be­fore and af­ter the mo­ment cap­tured for an In­sta­gram photo,” said Gor­bey. “These re­la­tion­ships re­quire trust, vul­ner­a­bil­ity and com­mu­ni­ca­tion. These acts re­quire a lot of hard work and com­mit­ment, and they ex­pose a per­son to risk. That’s why the only re­spon­si­ble an­swer to TIED’s ques­tion is to seek ed­u­ca­tion first and play part­ners sec­ond.”

Justin Gor­bey teaches work­shops and in­ten­sives on a num­ber of sub­jects cen­ter­ing on bondage and power ex­change dy­nam­ics. To see his work and learn about his work­shops, fol­low him on In­sta­gram @dask­in­baku.

QI’m a monog­a­mous woman in a com­mit­ted re­la­tion­ship with a non­monog­a­mous man. I try to be cool about his other re­la­tion­ships, but I’m try­ing to fig­ure out how to bring some fire back into ours. I miss oral sex, but that’s not on the ta­ble be­cause he “doesn’t like” how I taste.

I’ve sug­gested bondage and anal, but he says he’s “too tired.” He can make plans with oth­ers to have ex­cit­ing new ex­pe­ri­ences, but he doesn’t have any en­ergy for me. I’m at a loss. Coun­selling is not an op­tion for us be­cause he doesn’t be­lieve in that stuff. Any sug­ges­tions? A Yes, stop do­ing his laun­dry or pay­ing his rent or pre­par­ing his meals—stop do­ing what­ever it is you’re do­ing that your shit boyfriend val­ues and is re­luc­tant to give up, SAM, be­cause it’s clear he doesn’t value you. DTMFA.

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