A hot ‘your-life-is-a-mon­strous-af­front-to-God’ take. Plus: Face-sit­ting fury and keep­ing re­venge porn in the fam­ily.

The Coast - - SAVAGE LOVE - Lis­ten to Dan Sav­age’s Weekly Love­cast at the­coast .ca/sav­age

QI’m a kinky sin­gle woman who keeps at­tract­ing the wrong men for me—specif­i­cally, sub­mis­sive guys into face-sit­ting. I’m sub­mis­sive my­self, and face-sit­ting is not a turn-on for me. But the vast ma­jor­ity of men who hit on me have this fetish. I think it’s a size-re­lated issue—a my-size-re­lated issue. I’m a full-fig­ured/curvy woman with a big butt. Granted, it’s a fab­u­lous butt, but my butt sends the wrong sig­nals, ap­par­ently. I’ve tried sev­eral times to word my FetLife and other dat­ing pro­files so that I’ll at­tract dom­i­nant men, but the mes­sages from sub­mis­sive wannabe face-sit­tees pour in. Dat­ing when you’re not thin is hard enough. Help, please.

—Baby Got Back

A You’ve worded your dat­ing pro­files to at­tract Doms, BGB, but it doesn’t sound like you’ve worded your pro­files to re­pel—and crush the hopes of—sub­mis­sive wannabe face-sit­tees. Let’s fix that: “I get a lot of mes­sages from sub­mis­sive guys into face-sit­ting. I’ve got a great butt, I re­al­ize, but I’m a sub, I’m not into face-sit­ting, and I only want to hear from Dom guys.” Some sub­mis­sive guys will mes­sage you any­way—guys who will be let­ting you know they have a hard time taking no for an an­swer, BGB, so not guys you’d ever want to meet up with IRL. Delete their mes­sages and block their pro­files.

Q While hav­ing sex one night with my girl­friend, I pulled out a vi­bra­tor for the first time. She asked whether I (a guy) had used it with a pre­vi­ous part­ner (an­other woman). I con­ceded that I had. She re­fused to let me use it on her on the grounds that it had al­ready been in­side some­one else. I pointed out that since I am not a vir­gin, her ob­jec­tion did not seem prin­ci­pled: My pe­nis has been in some­one else and she lets me put that in her. Nev­er­the­less, she re­mained adamant. Do you think she was be­ing rea­son­able? —Very In­ter­ested Boyfriend En­quires

A I do not, VIBE, but since you don’t want to stick your old vi­bra­tor in me—pre­sum­ably—what I think is ir­rel­e­vant. When it comes to who gets to stick what in our bod­ies, we’re al­lowed to be ar­bi­trary, in­con­sis­tent, capri­cious and even il­log­i­cal. That’s why “But my dick has been in other women and you let me stick that in you!” isn’t quite the slam-dunk ar­gu­ment you think it is. So toss that old vi­bra­tor and get your­self a new one—but save the pack­ag­ing so you can pass it off as new with your next girl­friend.

Q I’ve been toy­ing with the idea of hav­ing a sub pro­vide do­mes­tic ser­vices, but all the po­ten­tial subs I’ve met with haven’t seemed like a good fit for var­i­ous rea­sons. Last night, I had a first meeting with a man who is a good fit on pa­per but who turned out to be an ob­nox­ious ass­hole in per­son—a misog­y­nis­tic, mansplain­ing frat-boy type. Can some­one be too much of a dick for you to let them do your laun­dry?— Sub Is Sub­hu­man

A If you wouldn’t be in a vanilla re­la­tion­ship with some­one, SIS, why would you want to be in a D/s re­la­tion­ship with them? Q My cousin was a vic­tim of re­venge porn. A bitter ex-boyfriend of his sent sev­eral videos they’d made to ev­ery­one on my cousin’s con­tact list, in­clud­ing me. I’m a straight woman who prefers gay male porn, and my cousin and his ex are beau­ti­ful men—they’re both dancers—and I couldn’t help my­self: I watched the videos, more than once, be­fore delet­ing them. So how bad a per­son am I?

—Sick And Wrong

A You’re a bet­ter per­son than the ass­hole ex who sent those videos to ev­ery­one your poor cousin knows, SAW, but a worse per­son than those who deleted the videos with­out wank­ing over them first.

Q Your life is a mon­strous af­front to god, and your life’s work, your ridicu­lous “ad­vice” col­umn, en­cour­ages people to act on their worst im­pulses. Ad­vice col­umn? Take the “D” away! You write A VICE col­umn! I was in­volved in the gay life once, Mr. Sav­age, but the love of Je­sus de­liv­ered me from ho­mo­sex­ual sin. Em­brace Christ, and you too can be de­liv­ered. I pray for you ev­ery day. Some­one has to.

PS I have read what you’ve writ­ten about your mother, who you claim to have loved. Your mother died rel­a­tively young. I’m not sug­gest­ing god pun­ished you by cutting your mother’s life short. No, your mother died of shame.— Christ Even Saves Sav­ages

A You pray for me, CESS, and I’ll gay for you—be­cause all the de­li­cious dick you left be­hind when Je­sus rap­tured you out of ho­mo­sex­ual sin aren’t gonna suck them­selves, are they?

PS “Je­sus is love,” my Catholic mother liked to say. If she was right, CESS, he surely finds the things go­ing into my mouth less of­fen­sive than the shit com­ing out of yours.

Q I’ve been in a les­bian re­la­tion­ship for about two years. Re­cently, I was lis­ten­ing to your pod­cast, and you were talk­ing about the Big/lit­tle kink. I re­mem­ber think­ing my girl­friend could be into that. To­day, my girl­friend texted this to me: “I want you to hold me like a child, rock me to sleep, and tuck me in and kiss my fore­head.” I al­most asked her right then if she was into Big/lit­tle play, but then I re­al­ized that I’m not sure what I would do if she said yes. If she came to me and said, “Hey, I’m into this stuff!” I would con­sider it. But I am not into this stuff—not in­de­pen­dently—or at least I don’t think so. My ques­tion is this: If you sus­pect your part­ner is into some­thing that you’re not into, should you leave it alone? I feel like maybe the GGG thing to do is to ask her and of­fer to ex­plore it if she says yes— Wanna Be GGG

A Are you sure you’re not cu­ri­ous about Big/ lit­tle play, aka age play? Be­cause it sounds like you might be. If you are, don’t pro­ject your in­ter­ests/kinks onto your girl­friend. Just ask her if she might be in­ter­ested. If you aren’t into Big/lit­tle play but think she might be, the same ad­vice ap­plies: Just ask her.

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