A real gamut of queries on of­fer, from open re­la­tion­ships to a vari­a­tion on cuck­old­ing to the plea­sure of itchy butts.

The Coast - - SAVAGE LOVE -

Q I’ve been with my boyfriend for a few months. Prior to dat­ing, I was clear with him that I would need to open our re­la­tion­ship at some point. He ini­tially hes­i­tated to re­spond, but then agreed we could do that when the time came. That time has come much quicker than I an­tic­i­pated, but I feel like he’ll re­nege on his end of things be­cause of many com­ments he’s made re­cently—com­ments like not un­der­stand­ing or lik­ing non-monogamy and how “his woman” sleep­ing around is a deal­breaker. Is this a DTMFA sit­u­a­tion?

—Spec­i­fied Open Re­la­tion­ship Early A Early on, you let your boyfriend know that open­ness “at some point” was your price of ad­mis­sion—the price he’d have to pay to be with you—and now he’s let­ting you know that monogamy is his price of ad­mis­sion. What’s going on here? Well, some­times Per­son A tells Per­son B what Per­son A knows Per­son B wants to hear re­gard­ing Topic X in the hopes that Per­son B will feel dif­fer­ently about Topic X af­ter the pas­sage of time, or af­ter Per­son B has made a large emo­tional in­vest­ment in Per­son A. In many cases, Per­son A has the best in­ten­tions—by which I mean, Per­son A isn’t be­ing con­sciously ma­nip­u­la­tive, but rather Per­son A sin­cerely hopes Per­son B will come to feel dif­fer­ently about Topic X or that they, Per­son A them­selves, will. But con­sid­er­ing how little time has passed, SORE—he’s al­ready say­ing shitty/judgy things to you about non-monogamy and sex­ist/con­trol­ling things about “his woman”—it seems clear that your boyfriend wasn’t be­ing sin­cere, he was be­ing ma­nip­u­la­tive. DTMFA.


This is an­other re­quest for a kinky ne­ol­o­gism. How about those of us who like the idea of our sig­nif­i­cant other hav­ing sex with some­body else but who aren’t into full-on cuck­old-style hu­mil­i­a­tion? “Cuck­old” im­plies a level of sub­or­di­na­tion that just isn’t my thing, and “hotwif­ing” as­sumes that it’s a cou­ple that is op­po­site sex and mar­ried, and the guy is only in­ter­ested in watch­ing.

—Cuck In Name Only A I don’t think the term “hotwif­ing” is in­her­ently het­ero­sex­ist, as there are gay men and straight women out there into “hothus­band­ing.” (They get off on shar­ing their hot spouses with oth­ers, aren’t nec­es­sar­ily in­ter­ested in get­ting with anyone else them­selves, and don’t, à la cuck­olds, get off on hu­mil­i­a­tion.) But if that term doesn’t appeal to you, CINO, there’s al­ready an al­ter­na­tive: Stags (a man who may or may not be dom­i­nant who likes to share his part­ner and may or may not par­tic­i­pate) and vix­ens (a woman who may or may not be sub­mis­sive who en­joys hav­ing sex with oth­ers in front of her part­ner and may or may not share them).


I’ve ex­pe­ri­enced anal itch­ing in the past, and I en­joyed it. It felt so in­sanely good to sat­isfy that itch­ing in­side. I can find lots of in­for­ma­tion about re­liev­ing anal itch­ing, but I can’t find any­thing about in­duc­ing it for plea­sure.

—Into Tor­ment­ing Clean Heinie

A Ac­cord­ing to the Mayo Clinic, keep­ing your ass too clean or let­ting it get too dirty can in­duce anal itch­ing, as can pin­worms, di­a­betes and anal tu­mours. See­ing as you prob­a­bly don’t want di­a­betes or rec­tal cancer, and since pin­worms aren’t for sale at your lo­cal bait shop, ITCH, you could try scrub­bing your ass with harsh soaps, which is what the Mayo Clinic urges peo­ple who don’t want itchy anuses to avoid. (I re­versed en­gi­neered their advice for you. You’re wel­come.)

Q I am a 24-year-old pan­sex­ual trans woman, and I feel sex­u­ally bro­ken. Hor­mones have made it nearly im­pos­si­ble for me to top a part­ner. I’m able to do it once in awhile, but not as much or as re­li­ably as I would like. Ad­di­tion­ally, hor­mones have messed up my di­ges­tive system and made bot­tom­ing dif­fi­cult. I’m also rel­a­tively sex­u­ally in­ex­pe­ri­enced—I’m en­thu­si­as­tic about oral but not very good at it. This leaves me feel­ing like I bring noth­ing to the ta­ble. —Horny But Sex Is Thorny A Get­ting good at oral—like get­ting good at any­thing—takes a little prac­tice. Let your prospec­tive part­ners know you’re rel­a­tively in­ex­pe­ri­enced, and you’ll be far like­lier to wind up in bed with pa­tient and sup­port­ive peo­ple who will let you prac­tice on them. As for bot­tom­ing, hope­fully your guts will set­tle down in time. As for top­ping, well, lots of women use strap-on dil­dos for pen­e­tra­tion. Hav­ing a strap-on at the ready and ac­tively seek­ing out part­ners who don’t re­gard strapon sex as a con­so­la­tion prize (or a fail) will al­low you to ex­per­i­ment with pen­e­tra­tion with­out the pres­sure of hav­ing to pro­duce or sus­tain an erec­tion. You can switch back and forth be­tween your dick and the dildo as needed, and be­ing able to make it hap­pen for your lover—us­ing what­ever tools you need— will build your con­fi­dence. And you’re not bro­ken, HBSIT. You are, like all of us, a work in progress. Good luck.

Q I re­cently broke up with a girl be­cause she didn’t know what plate tec­ton­ics was. Great sex! Loved cook­ing to­gether! En­joyed spend­ing time with her! But she was raised Mor­mon—and more im­por­tant than that, she was sim­ply NOT CURIOUS about science and the world. In all hon­esty, I think she’s a little dumb, although she doesn’t come off that way. Science! Pol­i­tics! Phi­los­o­phy! All of these things are im­por­tant in my life! Am I wrong for break­ing up with her? —Date Tec­ton­ics

A No! You did her a favour! I knew noth­ing about classical mu­sic be­fore I fell in love with some­one who’s pas­sion­ate about classical mu­sic. I know a lot about it now and I ac­tu­ally en­joy it—but I didn’t get there in three months. My hus­band didn’t follow the news closely un­til he fell in love with a news junkie. Now he’s a daily reader of The New

York Times and The Wash­ing­ton Post— but he didn’t get there in three months. The more time we spent to­gether, the more in­ter­est we took in each other’s in­ter­ests. There’s a les­son in here for you some­where, DT, but I’m going to let you tease it out—be­cause you’re CURIOUS and SMART, right?

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