Friend’s relationship going nowhere

Q. My close girlfriend has been in a two-year relationship and is ready to insist her guy “move in and get married.”

But he keeps feeding her excuses as to why he can’t yet move forward.

Mostly, he attacks her character. But he doesn’t want to leave her and she doesn’t want to let him go.

I’ve watched her spiral into a deep sadness. Her self-esteem is incredibly low, her stress levels are through the roof.

It’s difficult to watch my friend suffer, but I feel I can’t advise her to leave him. That’s a decision she needs to make on her own.

Is there anything I should do? — Frustrated Friend

A. Stay with friendship, not judgment. But if she asks for your thoughts, turn it around and ask for hers, e.g. what are the reasons she thinks things will change if they do marry?

If she complains about his “excuses,” ask, what’s positive about their relationship.

Get her thinking things through more clearly, herself.

People hang onto go-nowhere relationships because of fear of starting over, or of being alone. They convince themselves that things will get better, if they live together, marry, have a baby...

Telling her otherwise will only increase her insecurity. But encouraging her to face for herself the reality of his stallingblaming strategy — a form of control — may help her see that their future together is unlikely to be much different.

Q. My two best friends no longer speak to each other. I’m upset and stressed out about it.

They used to live with me and two other girls during university, and we stayed close.

Two years ago, A and Z got into an argument about something somewhat silly, but hurtful things were said, tempers flared, spouses got involved, and they ended contact with each other.

I wasn’t present when the fight happened, so only have their reports.

Now Z is getting married, and all the others in our group are involved in planning the bachelorette and wedding.

A is not involved and not invited to the wedding. The rest of us are still friends with both women, so we feel uncomfortable and sad. I think A might be receptive to speaking to Z again, but I’m not so sure about Z. — In The Middle A. Stay neutral. Don’t attempt getting them together until after the wedding, unless A indicates to you she’s willing to approach Z.

If so, she should send a personal note — not an email whose tone can be misinterpreted — wishing her former friend a happy wedding.

It’s important that any attempt at reconciliation is not seen to just get invited along with the old gang.

Otherwise, after the wedding and honeymoon, you can speak to each of them — once only — about thinking that enough time has passed for trying to get past that old fight.

Be aware, though, that once spouses got involved, it became a more complex divide between the two.

Q. My friend’s been seeing this guy who does hard drugs three-to-four times weekly.

She has dealing with mental health issues herself, so has been wise enough to not experiment with drugs.

They’ve been dating for a few months. Their relationship is sometimes good and they have a lot of fun together.

But when it’s bad, it’s very bad. They’re constantly fighting about his drug use.

When is the right time to walk away from a relationship? — Concerned Pal A. She should RUN, now. Email Ellie at ellie@thestar.ca.