Being a best friend is often a hard task

QUESTION: My best friend has always had the goal to have a husband and kids. Now that she’s approaching 30, it seems like it’s the only thing on her mind.

For the past few years, she’s had a dramatic on-off relationship with a guy who seems wrong for her for so many reasons.

Every time he breaks up with her, she’s thrown into a depression, each time worse than the last, and she tries to drink her sorrows away.

Last year, once again, he broke up with her. I had hoped it would stick. It didn’t.

They’re now trying again. I’m trying to support her, but every time I speak with her, all I hear are problems.

I feel that he’s going to play her as he has several times in the past. I’m nervous about what the next break up will do to her.

How can I support such a toxic relationship? Is there any way to convince her that this relationship is toxic?

ANSWER: The role of a best friend is both simple and complicated.

Simply, she wants your support — listening to her stories, caring about her feelings, etc.

But the complexity comes from not ignoring the problems or saying outright that he’s wrong for her.

Instead, after she’s vented to you, present her with leading questions to ask herself in order to do her own thinking:

“How did that make you feel?” “What are the changes he’s making?”

Say that you’re on her side, but only a professional counsellor can help her look at the relationship clearly.

List the facts: Her drinking isn’t helping, her depressions are getting deeper, and she needs to rescue herself.

Offer to help her find a therapist. TIP OF THE DAY Friends can be most supportive by raising questions that matter about a toxic relationship. Read Ellie Monday to Saturday in The Daily Courier.