Is 10 about the right amount of partners?
QUESTION: How many past sex partners is an acceptable amount?
A group of us, males and females, find that sex happens between dating couples usually between the second to fifth date.
Given that people are dating early — say, age 16 — and that most people will have multiple boyfriends and girlfriends before getting married (if ever), what’s the maximum number of sexual partners before it’s a warning sign to the prospective partner?
Or before you feel that the sexual history is excessive and leads you to believe the person isn’t “stable” and should be avoided?
We know it depends on the age, but when should the sexual history, whether of a male or female, be a warning sign?
Is it five to 10 partners by age 24, one to 20 sexual partners by age 20, etc.? Or is there no limit for different sexual partners?
All of my friends know men and woman who by age 30 have had over 50+ partners. None of us felt comfortable about that.
Besides the possibility of disease, does the lack of what we feel should be a moral compass, plus a high number of sexual partners, related to age, show a definite lack of stability and judgment in that person?
We feel that most people usually discuss their sexual history eventually with their partner.
— Moral Compass
ANSWER: Ever since the scene in Four Weddings and a Funeral, (1994) when Andie MacDowell lists 33 previous lovers to Hugh Grant’s obvious discomfort (only nine), “the numbers” question has been fraught with problems.
Sexual history is a part of the person you meet. If he/she is “unstable,” you should be finding this out in many ways, not just by counting.
After all, a person can lie up or down the scale — boasting higher numbers to appear desirable, or less to hide promiscuity.
What matters more is not the other person’s judgment, but your own. If you’re in the dating scene, you need to develop antennae about whether a person is a consummate cheater or a sex addict (terms applying to both sexes).
If neither, then it’s likely — depending on age and life experience — the “number” is a factor of fairly normal opportunity and desire.
However, if there’s anything disturbing about someone with regard to sexual experience — say, excessively shy, coldly unaffectionate, disdaining intimacy — then the count isn’t as significant as whether you’re signing on to dealing with bigger issues.
Now, about moral compass. Everyone actively dating has to develop a strong sense of what they can accept from someone with whom they’re going to become close, and what they cannot expect.
The “numbers” sometimes only reflect a small part of a person’s life — a period of abstinence, for example, or a time of chasing after approval and love.
In 2012, the American dating website SeekingArrangement.com asked clients for the perfect number of ex-lovers anyone should have. The answer, from both males and females, was 10. Respondents felt that more would be promiscuous, and less would betray an inexperienced or repressed participant.
Honesty in a budding relationship is not about divulging every past sexual encounter. Rather, it’s about being open about previous important relationships — though graphic details aren’t necessary.
Readers, do you think there’s an “acceptable number?”
READER’S COMMENTARY: Regarding the woman whose son’s girlfriend isn’t invited to his friend’s wedding:
Reader: Why does she think she has a say in a wedding to which she wasn’t invited? Why was the guest list even discussed with her? It’s someone else’s wedding that she and her sons are not related to, so there should be absolutely no judgment or speculation about the guest list.
Ellie: Welcome to Wedding Season when critics emerge in full bloom. Thankfully, others stay mindful that wedding costs and family differences can turn a hoped-for happy event into a circus of petty squabbling. Their silent understanding is greatly appreciated. TIP OF THE DAY Don’t ask, don’t count. Assess a dating partner by his/her behaviour with you.
Email ellie@thestar.ca