Apology demanded
DEAR ELLIE:
The young lady my 20-year-old has been dating for three months away at University, visited us this summer.
I’d pre-arranged a party for that weekend, so had little time to get to know her. Late into the party, a friend asked me what I thought of her. Sadly, the young lady overheard my response.
It was along the lines of how they’re not getting married or anything like that.
I said that my son has ambition and years of schooling left to attain his goals, so I didn’t think the relationship would be, or should be, too serious.
I said I didn’t think it would last past Thanksgiving.
After she left, my son told me my comments made her cry. I feel horrible about that, but, in my defence, I’d thought I was having a private conversation. I’m taking my son back to school, and the young lady will be meeting us.
My son wants me to apologize to her. I say let bygones be bygones, let us get to know each other better over lunch. After six weeks, it’s water under the bridge.
My son still wants me to apologize, though she refuses to tell him exactly what I said that upset her.
ANSWER:
Apologize. There are no “bygones” here until you do.
Here’s why: Your prediction, “it won’t last past Thanksgiving” implies private knowledge from your son that he’s just leading her on.
No wonder she cried.
He’s likely reassured her otherwise, and needs you to back down from your unsubstantiated line. A straightforward apology that you were caught unprepared for the question when you’d hardly gotten to know her, should suffice.
It’s needed, for your son to restore trust in you around people who matter to him. DEAR ELLIE: I dated my college boyfriend a short time until he met his future wife. Several years back, we (including spouses) started corresponding by social media. It was above board, friendly, and limited.
I’m happily married. I heard this year that the couple split up.
Then I heard that my ex had attempted suicide. I sympathized but as he recuperated, I feared he was becoming interested in me again. I kindly but clearly asserted that our contact was as friends only. He concurred. Now, he’s hinting by text of another suicide attempt. I encouraged him to return for professional help. I felt anything more than this could be misleading to him, but feel he may be a train wreck waiting to happen. Have I done enough?
ANSWER:
Alert someone who’s closer to him (family/friends). Keep encouraging continued counselling help. If alarmed, ask your husband to join you in contacting police and mental health authorities.
Email ellie@thestar.ca.