Gay friend’s remarks unacceptable
DEAR ELLIE: When my male friend and I began hanging out together, I had a small crush on him, but it dissipated into a brother/sister relationship. Besides, he’s gay. The first time my friend met my (straight) brother, he commented about how attractive he is. I thought it was funny.
He never mentioned it again. Years later, my brother and his wife have begun divorce proceedings. Since my friend found out, he’s gone from making harmless comments to very lewd ones about what he’d do to my brother sexually. He’s also bragged that he can “turn a straight guy” if he chooses. I’m very uncomfortable hearing about it. I’d prefer that he keep those comments to himself, or when I’m not around.
Recently, I asked him to stop and expressed my discomfort. He responded with, “it’s all in good fun,” and, “you’re just acting out because I’m not attracted to you.” I laughed it off, but it stung me that he’d accuse me of this, seeing as it’s far from the truth.
I explained that if he were straight and said similar kinds of things about my sister, it’d be just as inappropriate and I’d react the same way. I don’t think I’m overreacting. How do I get him to understand that when it comes to sexual innuendo, my family is off limits? — Maybe I’m Overprotective
ANSWER: It’s a basic social rule in a close friendship — usually unstated yet understood — that you don’t verbally “vandalize” your pal’s family members.
The “rule” applies, no matter the sexual identity of the provoking friend. Yet, he’s teasing and taunting you “in good fun,” with a bite in the message.
He’s obviously aware of your former crush, and is now expressing a long-repressed one of his own — for your brother. Since your brother doesn’t need your protection, focus on your friend’s behaviour:
Tell him that, no matter his “fun,” relaying sexual fantasies and references to you about your brother is unacceptable, period. If he persists, end the conversation and, if necessary, walk away.
DEAR ELLIE: I was raised in a village in Europe by my maternal grandparents while my divorced mother was working.
She and I moved here when I was an adolescent and visited my grandparents every summer.
We’ve known my grandmother was battling illness these past years, but on our very recent visit of several weeks, I saw that she’d become extremely ill.
I stayed by her bedside much of that time. I’m now late-20s, live on my own, have a full-time job with long hours to pay my bills.
Add in the high expense of airfare, and I’m wondering this: Since I was just there, and all reports indicate her awareness is diminished, is there any point to my going back for the funeral? — Undecided ANSWER: It’s a question asked by countless people with relatives left “behind” in their country of birth when they emigrated: Do you go “back home” for illness, or the funeral? Considerations include not only the cost of travel, and the demands of their job (sometimes having to forego salary or even risking being let go) but also some responsibilities to children and others that can’t be met if even only one parent is away. In this case, you were there for your grandmother. The funeral is a show of respect that others see, but she had you at her side when needed. (However, you’ll know emotionally when it happens, whether that answer is acceptable for you).
FEEDBACK Regarding the visit with a friend whose adult daughter who’d moved back, jobless, was rude, difficult, and dominated all conversations and occasions (Sept. 22):
Reader — “What struck me immediately was that the daughter’s constant attendance and domination of the occasion was very controlling.
“I like your suggestion that the couple invite the widowed friend to come for a visit to them on her own. That way she can speak freely - if she chooses to do so.
“It may then become more apparent whether or not the daughter is taking undue advantage of her mother, financially as well as emotionally. In any case, I feel the situation warrants monitoring.”
Ellie —Your point is a good one, taking the situation beyond the couple’s uncomfortable visit, to focusing on their widowed friend’s need to have time away.
It’s also a chance for her to discuss and consider how to change the current dynamic with her daughter.
FEEDBACK Regarding the grandmother who was “un-friended” by her narcissistic daughter-in-law (Sept. 11):
Reader — “I couldn’t help but think of my brother and his situation. His wife acted exactly the same way: she was controlling, narcissistic, nothing was good enough for her. She worked strategically to isolate my brother from his family and friends.
“She blamed him for everything and eventually concocted a story of abuse to gain sympathy with the Children’s Aid Society, police and legal system, to push him out.
“All this was directed to her personal and financial gain. They legally separated (although they remained living under the same roof). She used their four kids as a weapon through parental alienation and he fell into a situational depression.
“She continued to push him down, isolate him and usurp her ways. He succumbed to suicide in the fall of 2015. Sadly, there are narcissistic, sociopathic people among us who care little for those around them.
“I urge this mother and those in their inner circle to have a private intervention with her son and assure him that there’s support there for him.
“I suspect he might need it, and due to the woeful lack of support services for men as victims of domestic abuse, he likely doesn’t know where to turn.
“If I’m right, this grandmother and her close family will be forever regretful (unless they act) because this daughter-in-law isn’t going to change. And the potential damage to the son is immense.”