Wife’s a sucker for friend’s fit fads

QUESTION: My wife’s best friend is constantly following the “latest, greatest” trend.

She’s not into cults and most of her fads are pretty harmless, but she’s influencing my wife so much that we’re often arguing because she keeps wanting to impose them on me and our school-age children.

The fads become obsessions. Previously, we all had to be devoted to the high-intensity moves of Cross Fit. Now, it’s a PX90 fitness workout.

I do like to feel fit, but I just don’t like switching approaches based on her friend’s whims.

It’s the same with new diets. We’ve always considered ourselves fairly healthy eaters, but now she’s joined her friend on the Keto (ketogenic) diet.

I’m cast as the “outsider” because I don’t want to reduce my carb intake that much, and don’t think our sports-active children should be doing it either.

My wife’s so caught up with her friend’s enthusiasm for these trends, that she switches immediately and also becomes obsessive about them.

I’m certain that the constantly-changed beliefs in what’s the “perfect” nutritional regime is confusing our kids, as it is me.

Even my wife’s cooking style has changed along with her friend’s latest craze — last year it was the slow-cooker method. Now it’s “sous-vide.” We’re buying new kitchen equipment whenever her friend suggests it.

I feel like my wife is losing her own personality. It’s affecting our friendship within the marriage because she’s not the woman I knew who had her own personality, style and ideas.

I love my wife. But how do I tell her that I can’t deal with these frequent obsessive changes in how we live? — Too Many Fads

ANSWER: Start with the love message. That’s what’s most important here.

Appeal to the personality and style that formed the person you initially married — how she thought things through, bringing her own experience and knowledge into any discussion.

Remind her of the life you’ve built together making decisions as a couple to make sure you were in sync.

Tell her you do like to be fit and eat healthy as much as she does, and of course want the best for your kids. But it’s hard to jump to a third-party’s intervention.

Say, too, that it’s putting distance between you, which is far less healthy for your marriage despite all the new exercises and diets.

READER’S COMMENTARY: Regarding the woman, 27, whose two roommates’ hostility forced her to move:

I also went through hell — a shared-living arrangement with someone whose true personality emerged only after I signed a oneyear lease agreement.

Initially, my roommate said we’d split rent, hydro, cable/internet and common-use items.

Within one month, she started hiding the items she’d purchased to share, using my stuff instead and monopolizing the kitchen and living area. Her boyfriend was also secretly living with us but didn’t contribute a penny.

I documented what I could before I legally moved out. I’d advise the writer’s cousin to do similarly. I brought friends to witness the situation, took photographs for supporting evidence.

The cousin needs to know that despite that she’s no longer living there, she’s still liable if something happens unless she can get her name off the lease.

She needs to protect herself from people like this. Forget Facebook — delete her profile or delete them.

I, too, was a gentle soul, but this terrible experience caused me much stress and anxiety and made me more wary of others.

Move on. There’s more to life than crappy, immature roommates.

FEEDBACK: Regarding whether to tell the betrayed person about his/her partner’s cheating:

Reader: I’ve never understood why people think it’ll cause a rift in their friendship.

It’s so simple, especially in smaller towns/communities. Just steer the topic to local gossip and then let them know what others have been saying about their partner, but without specifics.

It makes them aware without your personal finger-pointing.

Yes, I’m speaking from personal experience. I don’t know how many times people only said they’d “heard things.”

I’m not a gossiper, but if I heard something of that nature, I’d let the person know.

I remember, with hindsight, feeling like people were talking about me behind my back and I got “those” looks when at kids’ activities or out shopping.

A friend doesn’t have to accuse or say that they believe what they’re hearing, they just need to make the person aware.

FEEDBACK: Regarding what parents in their 70s should’ve done when two adult children decided to host Christmas dinner together, but refused to invite one sibling or accept that he/she host it.

I advised they spend it in a meaningful way — perhaps helping out at a food bank, or with close friends to show their disapproval of the mean-spirited grown children.

Reader 1: Maybe arrange for everyone to dine at a local shelter dinner, to remind them that there’s much more misfortune, and much more goodwill from those less fortunate, than is envisioned in their squabbles.

Reader 2: I agree with you. The parents shouldn’t attend the elder children’s Christmas dinner.

Their exclusion is not only mean, but is deeply hurtful and disrespectful to their parents. They certainly haven’t learned by their parents’ example. The fact that they aren’t inviting this sibling because they just “aren’t close” is incomprehensible.

The parents should go elsewhere where they’re appreciated. Those two older offspring should be ashamed of themselves for causing this unnecessary hurt to their sibling and their parents.

READER’S COMMENTARY: Regarding the letter-writer who grieves her alienation from her grandchild:

What struck me is that it's all about her, her emotional pain, etc.

I suspect her adult child, the parent, decided that it’s better for the grandchild to be raised away from a self-absorbed potentially narcissistic grandparent who might do to the youngster what she once did to the parent.

I believe adult children who make that choice are making the right choice for their children, perhaps expunging a lifetime of manipulation.

Just because there’s a blood tie, doesn't mean you need to honour it if you feel your child would be negatively impacted.

ELLIE: A harsh closing to what could’ve been a thoughtful commentary. The reader’s suppositions here suit some cases, but certainly not all.

ELLIE’S TIP OF THE DAY Fitness/healthy nutrition are important, but counter-productive to family health if they override the marriage.