Man living with cousin having an affair with widow

QUESTION: I’ve been a widow for eight years. During that time, I’ve been having a secret affair with a man who’s living common-law with his first cousin.

She found out about us as a few years ago and has been nasty to him. She’s also been stalking me since that time.

He and I love each other very much. He can’t just get rid of her as he signed a prenuptial agreement with her years ago. She says that she will take him for every penny he has.

Should I continue in this relationship secretly or should I just give up?

ANSWER: It’s very interesting that you left out one other option: Since your lover could seek legal/financial advice on how to separate as equitably as possible from his cousin, you could insist that he do so in order for you two to be together openly.

It’s unlikely he’d be left with nothing at all, that’s just her threat. But he seems to use it as a shield against changing the situation.

So, he gets to have his financial comforts, the excitement of a “secret” affair, and you get to be stalked.

I suspect that you’ve already arrived at the conclusion that you should move on, which is a positive step toward not having to hide anything in your life. And makes possibly your finding a future relationship which you can enjoy openly.

That’s the hopeful route, instead of “giving up” so that those two can keep their financial connection.

QUESTION: My stepson, mid-30s, was raised with little boundaries and no responsibilities.

He’s held a couple of jobs in the entertainment industry.

For years, he’s complained to his dad (my husband) about his boss(es), how unfair, how he’s not appreciated, how they took advantage of him, etc.

He has a volatile temper and only calls his dad when he needs something. When my husband calls him, he forgets to return the call.

When he visits us, he talks only about his job - bragging about whom he knows, where he’s been, etc. Never does he ask how we’re doing.

When he visits, he helps himself to anything without asking (if only out of respect). When we agree to go out for dinner, he sleeps the whole day, has to be “reminded” to get up, and always makes us late. It ruins the evening for me.

My husband has enabled his son, having never disciplined him, and now does things for him that should’ve been his own responsibility.

Lately, he admits that his son should start making his own decisions.

Yet he fears that raising this may hurt their relationship. I suggested that he speak to a psychologist/therapist for guidance. Is there hope?

ANSWER: I’m guessing that his father indulged him for so long due to past guilt over whatever occurred in their family before you became part of it.

An adult only in calendar years, self-obsessed and self-indulgent, it’s unlikely this man will change without an angry struggle.

But there’s nothing like the thought of losing financial aid to affect a situation.

So, yes, his father should still try to “help” him by stepping back and not indulging his rudeness, constant whining, and lack of responsibility.

A therapist can help make suggestions. So can a financial planner, and a lawyer regarding his father’s will. Your husband should explain ahead what he intends to change regarding their relationship, then stick to a plan.

Reader’s Commentary: Regarding the “other side” of children needing to find and meet their birth mother:

My daughter was adopted in infancy, having never spent even a second in her birth mother’s arms. My husband and I adored her from first sight.

We told her that her biological mother couldn’t take care of her and we were so lucky to be parents who loved her and would always care for her.

When she was old enough to understand, we said that she could meet her biological mother if she chose to do so, and we also shared whatever few details we knew about her and her medical history.

At 16, our daughter expressed interested in meeting her, but didn’t feel ready until she was 21. They had three meetings.

Our daughter said that we’re her parents who raised, protected and encouraged her, and I’m her mother now and always.”

Ellie: Thanks for sharing your personal story.

FEEDBACK: Regarding the young man who admitted having once behaved inappropriately with a girl in the past:

Reader: You’re very correct that #MeToo is having a positive effect and is long overdue. He sounds like a nice guy who made a mistake.

I certainly don’t condone any unwelcome touching, but this is one transgression that will likely be his last. How about recommending that he move forward and continue respecting women properly?

Believe me, I want male violence and gender inequality to end, it’s been a plague on this earth, but be careful the advice you give, your access to social media makes your words very impactful.”

Ellie: That’s why I applauded his current understanding of consent, in the couple’s relationship. But he feels guilty, so can make significant amends by speaking out if his friends disrespect women. And by being politically active on gender equality.

This isn’t “bearing a cross forever,” as you described it.

ELLIE’S TIP OF THE DAY Romantic relationships kept secret for financial reasons, signals that person’s value of money more than of love.