Dangerous words
“He thinks he’s cool.”
“She thinks she’s hot stuff.”
“They think they’re better than us.” Two of the most dangerous words in our vocabulary are contained in each of those statements. “He thinks; she thinks; they think.” The moment you find yourself using language like that make a hasty retreat to a quiet place and take a moment to re-orient your thinking, because you’re on dangerous ground.
Crucial Conversation specialist Joseph Grenny writes that one of the most beneficial actions you can take when involved in a crucial conversation is to learn how to separate the facts from the stories you tell yourself about the facts. After being exposed to his training I was aghast at how proficient I’d become at making up stories. I could ascribe motive and purpose behind the actions of others without giving it a second thought. I could do it equally well to a hockey player I’ve never met who didn’t pass the puck (he’s selfish), as I could to a neighbor who didn’t wave (she’s stuck-up), the driver of another vehicle who sped past me (she thinks she’s so important she has to get there ahead of the rest of us), or a political leader who took a position I disagree with (big business has him in their pocket). The fact is, I don’t know that any of my stories are accurate or fair. I just don’t know, so I’m best off to stick to the facts. How could I possibly know motives or internal thinking behind the actions?
It doesn’t happen to me all the time but every once in a while I read something in the Bible that seems like it was written just for me. It’s as if the words jump off the page and smack me head on. A couple weeks ago I was really, really ticked at someone. I was sure I understood the dark motives behind their behaviour toward me and had a response well-rehearsed. Then, in doing a bit of personal reading of the Bible I came across these two verses: “Do not judge, or you too will be judged. For in the same way you judge others, you will be judged, and with the measure you use, it will be measured to you” (Matt. 7:1-2). That shut me down in a flash. Would I like to be judged by someone who thinks they know my innermost thoughts and motives without them ever asking me why I did what I did?
I have increasingly been drawn to the notion that one of the most valuable qualities anyone brings to the table is honest curiosity. Rather than ascribing motives to another’s behaviour, a curious person asks questions. “I notice you did “A,” or “B,” and I’m really curious why. That approach sets the stage for an honest, informative conversation rather than a fight.
I recently read a quote often attributed to Mark Twain, although no one knows for sure who penned it. It says all that needs to be said on this subject. “It ain’t what you don’t know that gets you into trouble. It’s what you know for sure, that just ain’t so.”
Especially when it comes to my assessment of others, it is essential for me to question what I know for sure that might not be true. The answer is what puts me on dangerous ground.