Couple perfect when they’re not together

QUESTION: I was married for only one year, at 18, when I got pregnant. My ex couldn’t face the responsibilities, I couldn’t face life with him.

Three years later, I married a “great guy” and we had two children.

We loved raising our three kids. He worked hard in the store he owned. We divorced after four years together, but he’s still my best friend.

I’ve never married again, nor has he. It’s seven years since our divorce. But being parents and best friends is a constant.

If I have to travel for work, the kids move in with him. Otherwise, they live with me, but he’s available whenever needed. We do all celebrations together.

So why haven’t we re-married each other? Maybe because neither of us has changed. He’s a home-lover.

I love travel, going out for music/plays/lectures. He loves his couch and TV.

Should we consider re-marrying since we still love and respect each other?

ANSWER: You’ve created a perfect friendship, but not a marriage — though it’s still possible.

Neither of you wants to change, yet many happily married couples have separate interests, attend different classes/activities, etc.

So long as trust is there, it’s possible to walk your own path, then come back together for meals/weekends/bedtime, whenever possible, to maintain a personal style of married family life.

Meanwhile, given how divorce disrupts many families, your remaining close is healthy and supportive for everyone involved.

You haven’t mentioned sex or any romantic feelings.

So, if your “love” for each other is platonic, enjoy it as it is.

QUESTION: I’m a grandmother who desperately needs to help/support my daughter, 42, to manage little boys ages four and three.

She works full-time. Her partner works two bartending jobs.

She has full responsibility most evenings. She rushes from work to pick up one boy from an after-school program, another from subsidized daycare elsewhere.

The kids are wild at home while she, disorganized, is lucky to have dinner ready by 7:30 p.m.

The younger boy has diet issues (it takes 45 minutes to cook his special meal).

There’s a homework struggle for the fouryear-old. She folds laundry while they’re in the bath. It’s exhausting to get them to calm down and into bed. At 78, I can’t babysit anymore.

I’ve encouraged her to turn lights down, have quiet music and read to them — early bath, book and bed. They’re uncontrollably wound up until 10 p.m.

She won’t pay for a babysitter from 5-7 p.m, yet she’s physically/mentally exhausted.

Then she and her partner yell in front of the kids about who needs a break more.

I work every weekend to stay in my home. I need to be in bed at 10 p.m. The other grandmother also works, but has health problems.

How can I help my daughter and her children?

ANSWER: You’re giving her sound suggestions, but she needs some visible directions, and you need to look after yourself.

Visit her on a weekday, having shopped for examples of healthy snacks she can have at the ready, and simple dinners. Demonstrate how to prepare a batch of the younger boy’s meal ahead. Start the bath right after they’ve snacked.

During “homework” time, the other boy can work a nursery-age puzzle.

She needs to lie down with them for the story. If they get rambunctious, no story, just lights out.

These are other calming techniques for kids but if they also have ADD, she should ask their doctor for advice and techniques.

READER’S COMMENTARY: Regarding unknown relatives:

I thought I was an only child until I was 51. I received a registered letter from a small northern city fellow writing that we had the same mother.

After much contemplation, I phoned this man.

I’d thought my close-knit family had no secrets!

After three hours on the phone, I knew this gentle person was my brother — no DNA tests needed.

We met after six weeks when he, his wife and son came to meet me. I had a wonderful new family — brother, sister-in-law and two nephews, one of whom had been living in my city all along.

I had 20 wonderful years of bonding with my big brother (12 years older), who sadly passed away last May.

If I’d not taken advantage of this opportunity, I would’ve missed out on what I considered a meant-to-be gift from my late, dear mother. ELLIE’S TIP OF THE DAY

When your post-divorce ex is your “best friend,” almost anything is possible.