Friend’s texts continuously citing husband’s abuse

QUESTION: A former school friend, who lives in another city and sends texts sometimes, keeps mentioning that her boyfriend hits and shoves her while screaming at her.

In the very next sentence, she’ll brag about the expensive piece of jewelry that he bought her, or about their fabulous condo in a high-priced building.

We’re both 33, and were never that close so I’m surprised that she tells me all the bad stuff about him, since she was always only interested in the financial worth of any guy.

Her boyfriend’s a trust-fund guy, living off his wealthy mother’s money. He never worked in his family’s business but bought everyone’s tickets for popular sports games, etc., wooing so-called “friends” as well as women.

I was in a different crowd, and married my long-time boyfriend who still works two jobs. I work as well. We live in a nice apartment that meets all our requirements and we’re very happy together. When we disagree, we work it out together.

I’m just not sure why she writes me about the ugly side of her relationship — especially since I don’t even live near her.

How should I respond to her shocking stories? I’m afraid to just say, “leave him,” in case he reads it and does something horrible to her.

ANSWER: She writes you because you live elsewhere.

You’re the distant friend whom she believes won’t react and cause more chaos in her life by getting police or family involved.

You’re the “safe” person who won’t convince her to try to leave so that she’d have to start over again without the lovely jewelry and fine address.

She’s wrong, of course, for both her sake and yours, too.

You’d deeply regret staying silent if some day you learn that she was the damaged victim (or worse) of partner abuse.

She lives with that fear, very foolishly. But she reaches out to you because, despite the differences in lifestyle needs, she respects you.

Call her, so that her abuser doesn’t see a text.

Tell her you’re worried about her, and that you want her to keep in touch regularly. You’re not responsible for what happens to her, but you can build on her trust, enough for her to recognize that she mustn’t dismiss serious fears of this man. She may even accept it, if you eventually urge her to get counselling, privately, without his knowledge.

She may not follow through. But you’ll know that you did try.