Boyfriend doesn’t see childhood traumas

QUESTION: My boyfriend is cold and uncaring about his own feelings and mine. He was age eight when his mother died, nine when his father remarried, and 10 when his father and new wife placed him in foster care.

I understand his having suffered trauma and post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) from physical and emotional abuse as a child.

I sought much counselling over the years, so I’ve made great strides. However, this man is in denial that his childhood traumatized him and about the lingering effects still there at 40.

It hurts me when he calls me names/yells at me, but most especially when I explain plain facts or truths.

He won’t believe or accept them, fights me and assumes that I’m stupid. I see his inner wounds, so I try not to take it personally.

I’m intelligent, a survivor, a mom and a coach with great ability to help people.

I’ve had the privilege of leading teens away from suicide. I’ve built esteem in many of them.

People returned to me years later to say I had a significant positive effect on them to be better people and live a better life, by looking within and learning how to be happy and love oneself. I cry hearing that I did that!

But this man I love is the hardest nut to crack of all! How do I help him? My usual mentoring isn’t working.

He’s a successful businessman, but people around him don’t like him because he treats them so badly.

I get glimpses of the child he was, and I see on his face that he’s sorry, then confused, as to why he acts this way.

— Boyfriend’s A Hard Case ANSWER: You can’t counsel your own partner. He needs to find his own understanding of what hurts him.

Your insights — even if accurate and have helped others — are heard by him as judgments.

Through your coaching skills, you’ve seen some people experience those “light bulb” moments when past truths become clear. But in a couple relationship — especially with a partner who suffered painful losses so young — the dynamic is supposed to be between equals.

Your boyfriend hasn’t come to you as a supplicant for counselling help. Yet he may seek it elsewhere, if you back off.

If he can decide to explore the effects of the past with an objective professional — where he doesn’t lose face or appears unmanly if he cries — then, I agree that counselling can open his present and future to greater personal happiness.

Change your approach. Listen only. If he becomes troubled, unreasonable, and/or treats you badly, insist that he get help — elsewhere.

QUESTION: I’m back in the dating scene and am meeting some men whose wives have died. Is it normal for men to talk frequently about their deceased wives?

While I understand the trauma of losing a loved one, I believe in not making it a focal point of conversation, just as I haven’t talked about my ex-husband.

Any insight would be greatly appreciated.

— Mourning Men ANSWER: Welcome to the complexities of “mature” dating, especially when someone — the widower or the widow — keeps mentioning, describing, and recounting memories of their late spouse.

None of these recollections are meant as a comparison to you. Nor does it always mean that the storyteller isn’t ready to date (though it sometimes does).

Mostly, the person is telling you about his/her own life.

Single daters do this, though it doesn’t sound mournful when they’re describing people they left behind. Nor when angrily describing those who dumped them.

A spouse of many years who has passed away is a major part of their lived history. How to handle these recounting? Listen. You’ll learn more about the person you’re with than you expected. Far more than if you just had drinks together. More than just rushing into a physical relationship.

However, it can go on for too long. Best to address a persistent overlay of grief head-on, as in: “I’d really like to get to know you better in the present, not just from your past. When you’re comfortable about doing that, I sincerely hope you’ll be in touch with me.”

ELLIE’S TIP OF THE DAY

Don’t counsel your relationship partner. Instead, support his/her getting professional help.