How singles cope with social pressures
Kaitlyn Anello was flooded with emotions this week when a Facebook notification brought up photos of her from a year ago trying on wedding dresses.
The 31-year-old from Toronto had been planning a May 2021 wedding in Niagara Falls before her engagement ended on New Year’s Eve, launching her back into singlehood for the first time in four years.
While some couples across the country are planning modified Valentine’s Day celebrations on Sunday amid COVID-19 restrictions, Anello is just trying to forget the romantic holiday altogether.
“It’s going to be very hard,” she said. “Everything’s about love right now.”
Adjusting to single life in the midst of lockdown measures has been challenging for Anello, who still lives with her former fiance until the lease on their apartment expires at the end of the month.
While they typically celebrated Valentine’s Day in low-key fashion — cooking dinner together and exchanging greeting cards — she’s cognizant of the social expectations surrounding the upcoming date. And she’s been feeling it more than ever.
Anne Wilson, a psychology professor at Laurier University says Valentine’s Day can be tough for singles because of the connotations attached to the date.
It “valorizes” being linked to another person in a romantic relationship, she says, while “emphasizing societal stigma against singlehood.”
“Society tends to assume that the norm is to be in relationships, and tends to be a bit negative about being single, even though a lot of single people lead very fulfilling lives,” Wilson said. “But it can add some external pressure where people feel like they should be in a relationship.”
That pressure can be dangerous, Wilson says, if it forces folks to lower their standards or accept incompatible matches.
Even those in committed, long-term relationships can find Valentine’s Day stressful, Wilson says.
Expectations for the “culturally hyped” holiday can fall flat, and disappointment is often inflamed by social media, she adds, even if we recognize that online posts don’t always represent reality.
“If we start to see lots of these perfect images that people sometimes share for Valentine’s Day, we might still end up fooling ourselves into thinking that somehow we’re not cutting it,” Wilson said.
For singles, the pandemic has added a complicating level to dating, as people are urged to limit contacts to slow the spread of the virus.
Closures of movie theatres, bars and indoor-dining establishments in parts of the country have also added logistical obstacles to the dating scene.
Steve Joordens, a psychology professor at the University of Toronto, says Valentine’s Day tends to bring dating struggles to the forefront. And this year it can exacerbate the loneliness many are already feeling because of the pandemic.
Even groups of single friends who typically celebrate Valentine’s Day together can’t do that in person now, and that can compound concerns, he added.
“One of the things that makes (the pandemic) so nasty is it really gets in the way of our go-to strategies for dealing with negative emotions,” Joordens said. “Any time we feel sad or threatened or in danger, we want to reach out to the people we love and to connect with them.”
Joordens and Wilson both suggest people meet with friends virtually on Valentine’s Day in places where lockdown restrictions prevent in-person interactions.
In some ways those restrictions might actually help alleviate social pressure on singles to go out and celebrate in romantic ways, Wilson added.
“The expectation that you have to find a date and go out to a nice place, that’s not happening for most people.”
Joordens says it’s important to acknowledge that happiness doesn’t have to equate to a romantic relationship, and meaningful connections can be shared with others.
MINNEAPOLIS — A man who shot five staff members at a Minnesota health clinic this week shot two of them in the reception area before heading back to where patients are treated and shooting three others, including a medical assistant and mother of two who died of her wounds, authorities say in the criminal charges filed Thursday.
Gregory Paul Ulrich, 67, also allegedly set off two explosive devices during Tuesday’s attack at an Allina clinic in Buffalo, a city of about 15,000 people roughly 65 kilometres northwest of Minneapolis. He was charged Thursday with one count of second-degree murder, four counts of attempted first-degree premeditated murder, one count of possessing an explosive device and one count of carrying a pistol without a permit.
During a brief court hearing Thursday that was held via video, the judge ordered Ulrich to be held on $10 million bail, or $5 million if he agreed to certain conditions. Ulrich, who attended from jail, didn’t speak except to tell the judge how to pronounce his name.
According to the criminal charges, when Ulrich entered the clinic, staff asked if they could help him. In response, he pulled out a 9 mm handgun and threatened them before he opened fire, shooting one staff member in the back and another in the abdomen. He then went into the clinic’s interior and continued firing on victims, shooting a third person twice in the upper leg as that person was trying to flee and a fourth person six times, including in the chest, abdomen and back.
His fifth victim, who died from her wounds, was shot once in the abdomen and the bullet passed through her liver and spine before exiting through her back, according to the charges. Allina identified her as Lindsay Overbay, a 37-year-old medical assistant
who had two young children, according to family and friends.
Three of the victims remained hospitalized Wednesday, with one in critical condition, one in fair condition and the other in good condition. The fourth surviving victim was discharged hours after the attack.
During the attack, Ulrich detonated two improvised explosive devices — one at the clinic’s entrance and the other near a desk in the clinic’s interior. When the attack was over, Ulrich called 911 and said he would surrender if officers backed away, according to the charges. Officers entered the clinic using a squad car as a shield and found Ulrich lying in the entryway with his arms outstretched.
He had several rounds of ammunition on him when he was arrested, including two loaded 9 mm magazines, one with 13 rounds of ammunition and the other with seven. He also had 29 additional rounds of ammunition in a plastic bag. Authorities also searched a mobile home where Ulrich lived and found gunpowder similar to the material used in
the improvised explosive devices that detonated at the clinic. They found an empty box of 9 mm ammunition in a nearby motel where he had been staying.
A preliminary examination of Ulrich’s cellphone revealed a rambling video he made that alluded to an incident at the clinic, the charges state. Buffalo’s police chief, Pat Budke, said Tuesday that Ulrich had a long history of conflict with medical clinics in the area and was unhappy with the care he’d received.
According to a prior police report, Ulrich threatened to carry out a mass shooting at the clinic on Oct. 13, 2018, with a doctor telling investigators that Ulrich had talked about “shooting, blowing things up, and practicing different scenarios of how to get revenge.” The doctor said Ulrich told him he dreamed about exacting revenge on the people who “tortured” him, referring to issues he had with back surgeries and the medication he was prescribed.