Frustrated man doesn’t understand his wife

QUESTION: Why can’t my wife remember what I like in bed?

I love and respect her very much. When we met 12 years ago, she’d just finished a sexless relationship and told me all the things she’d love to do — e.g., positions, buying a yoga couch, wearing nice underwear and high heels!

I thought I’d hit the jackpot, having been in a similar marriage myself. But when still in the honeymoon period, she said she didn’t think she could keep up with our having sex most nights, both initiating it.

We were in our mid-to-late 40s, I thought it was OK to slow down to once or twice a week.

I then asked if she’d sometimes wear stockings and high heels in bed for me, as she’d once mentioned. She agreed at first. But then she’d forget! I’d remind her every four or five months, to take that initiative.

I still find my wife attractive and very sexy; I treat her like a lady. I dress up to take her out, keep myself clean.

She works hard, as do I. I have two jobs but I’m not expecting her to be ever grateful and fulfil my every need.

I’d just like her to remember that I have feelings, desires, and some things that I like even though we’re now 11 years older!

We currently have sex once a week, sometimes only once a month, mostly in the missionary position.

Over a year ago, she gave me several pairs of stockings for Christmas but it wasn’t until my birthday two months later when she wore them for me! And not for 10 months since.

I’ve suggested we try therapy to talk about anything and everything. We’ve brought books to read together but didn’t. I’ve concluded that my wish is never again going to happen.

I’m writing to just understand her. And why she doesn’t remember what I like. I love and care for her very much.

— Not Sexist

Ask Ellie

ANSWER: First, I’m preparing myself for the one-sided attack from men who’ll say, no matter what I write, “You always side with the woman!”

They’re wrong, I don’t. I’ll try to understand what’s going on for both your sakes.

Unusually, you each had previously accepted long near-sexless relationships. Little wonder you mutually expressed a strong desire for an active, varied sex life and soon found weekly sex agreeable.

Then you requested a specific fantasy — one she’d mentioned herself but has frequently forgotten/ignored over 11 years.

Why? You seem to have no clue, so I’ll raise some thoughts as guesses: 1) Neither of you have considered that she’s actually having memory issues early, in her 50s; (2) She stopped finding the sheer stocking/heels image arousing or fun, and or hates ruining new stockings each time (I’m not kidding).

You’ve raised therapy and researching together to find answers, but though you express love (does she?) there’s no real or honest communication about this, only your single-minded wish that takes the matter no further.

So, yes to therapy for both of you or whomever will go. Yes, to making love whenever it works for you two.

There’s no blame in this story, but unfortunately there’s a barrier between you that makes the stocking fantasy more significant than it need be between a loving couple.

ELLIE’S TIP OF THE DAY When a single issue affects a loving relationship, discuss it together or seek couple therapy.

OVERVIEW: Follow the advice of experts in the field as its time to face facts.

Those on the same page band together and sink or swim as a unit.

Waking up to reality is the only way to recover and move forward.

Assess direction or which path is open now.

Salvage what you can even if you have to go it alone temporarily.

Enjoy special celebrations with grand decor or elaborate settings as some seek more freedom of expression.

Love is in the air with Valentine’s Day events.

Keep gatherings light and safe. True leadership is recognized as there is an adjustment to the new normal.

Radical behaviour is curbed or rebranded. Mercury resumes forward motion.

ARIES: Allow your name to stand if nominated or picked in a selection process. You can handle it.

TAURUS: Your influence grows regarding what will happen to others or a special situation now.

GEMINI: Discussing private information or evidence give you a certain amount of leverage to deal.

CANCER: Finalize agreements or settlements that affect finances or your future security. Tie it up.

LEO: Heart to heart talks clear away any misunderstanding. Relationships tighten up. Hug it out.

VIRGO: Grand plans can still move forward even if they need a different venue to succeed now.

LIBRA: You may have to wing it while you decide on moves or makings changes. Discuss deals.

SCORPIO: Lay down certain rules or protocols to add a level of comfort and security all round.

SAGITTARIUS: Stand up for what you believe in and it will have a desired affect where needed.

CAPRICORN: Present or explain your knowledge and abilities to those interested in what you do.

AQUARIUS: Take command in a calm, convincing way. Others realize you know your stuff etc.

PISCES: Past matters come up for review. Organize how you want it to be dealt with positively or negatively.

Jim Hilger, of Amarillo, Texas, is a retired computer analyst and educator. Besides making crosswords, he enjoys collecting 45 r.p.m. records (he has more than 10,000 of them), cartooning and watercolor painting. “Most of my paintings end up looking like cartoons, however,” he says. The starting point of this puzzle was 38-Across. Jim apologizes in advance to the maker of every product he has “misplaced” herein. — W.S.

ACROSS

1 Mannerly

6 Philippine currency

10 Just open

14 Second socks, say

19 Offer a judgment

20 Thing with tags

21 Fruit-salad fruit

22 Sound of exertion

23 Huge celebration after L.A.’s football team wins the Super Bowl?

26 Nice nicety

27 Great shakes

28 Oldest tech sch. in the

U.S., founded in 1824

29 Bygone royalty

31 Oodles and oodles

32 Besmirch

33 Big fuss

35 With 1-Down, address

ender

37 Schlep

38 Reason that the prestigious scientific journal refuses articles from President Herbert’s relatives?

45 Power symbol?

46 Senate support

47 ____ gras

48 Restorative

indulgence

50 Kind of bookstore

Online subscriptions: Today’s puzzle and more than 4,000 past puzzles, nytimes.com/crosswords ($39.95 a year).

51 Oil-field sight

53 It’s symbolized by an

elephant, for short Theater seating

option

56 Japanese honorific

57 Apology from a musician to the other band members?

64 Best Picture winner that was banned in Vietnam

66 Lena of ‘‘Chocolat’’

67 1957 Jimmy Dorsey

hit

68 ‘‘Lonely Boy’’ singer,

1959

69 Stiff

71 Morally

uncompromised Many a summer

position

Like writing about

how to write

Epitome of herd

mentality Volunteered at a

nursery?

83 General practice?

84 Idle of Monty Python

85 ____ Lou Who of ‘‘How the Grinch Stole Christmas’’

86 Elton John or Mick

Jagger

District on Hawaii’s

west coast

88 Volcanic substance

91 Person fluent in

Quechua

94 Et ____ (footnote

abbr.)

55

72

74

75

79

87

96 Fool

97 Adding a historic ship

as a deal sweetener?

101 Campaign guru

102 Super Bowl played

in 2020

103 Past

104 Get hold of

105 Dry

107 Hiker’s snack

110 Article from

U.C.L.A.?

112 Vatican ambassador

115 Small versions

117 Story about a

drinking binge?

121 Frost lines?

122 Awards feat, for

short

123 Puccini piece

124 Really lift

125 Ed of ‘‘Elf’’

126 Movement based on deliberate irrationality

Be really impressive, informally Procrastinate

127

128

DOWN

1 See 35-Across

2 Uber and Lyft had theirs in 2019, for short

3 Tarzan’s transport

4 Didn’t just request

5 Is dismissed, as a class

6 On a Seder plate, it represents the arrival of springtime Port. is part of it

7

8 State symbol

9 Sound from a marching

band

10 Pseudonym lead-in

11 Ditch at the last

moment Leatherwork tools Largest city on the

Arabian Peninsula

14 ‘‘Lionized’’ studio

15 Neighborhood

16 Gift in ‘‘The 12 Days

of Christmas’’

17 Push

18 Trap, of a sort

24 Sheikh’s peer

25 Free from

30 Aussie animals

34 Medal above plata

36 One-up

38 ____ cavity

39 Bowl, e.g.

40 Prefix with nautical

41 One temporarily entrusting property to another

42 Ink

43 Units in the life span

of a galaxy

44 Ad ____ tax

45 Brink of transition

49 Folksy possessive

52 Wilt

54 Magazine whose crossword is always accompanied by a photograph

57 Rigged card game

58 Hooked up, as oxen

59 Wolfs (down) 12 13 60 Supergiant in Orion

61 Hall of Fame quarterback for the Colts

62 More balanced

63 In ____ way

65 Rail container for

liquids

70 Bakery buy

72 Cloth woven from flax

fiber

73 So last year

76 ‘‘You can’t make me!’’

77 Female goat 78 Gloomy, weather-wise

79 Place to surf

80 Haydn’s ‘‘The

Creation’’ and others

81 Step on a ladder

82 The Berenstain Bears

live in one

‘‘A merry old soul,’’ in

a nursery rhyme

89 Crack up, in

textspeak

90 Bit of kindling

92 U.S. counterpart to

Britain’s MI6

87 93 ____-Norman French

95 Common call on a

3rd-and-1

96 Not black-and-white

98 Sticker worn in

November

99 How some practical

jokes go

100 Burden

101 Prairie east of the Andes

Two-fifths of one quarter

Sitar selection

106

108

128

109 Move laboriously

111 Houston M.L.B.’er

113 Stressed, in a way:

Abbr.

114 Multiple of tetra

116 Union member of the 20th century, for short

Concern for one catching a connection, briefly

119 Sound from a drunk

120 ‘‘Stop right there!’’

118