Husband gets combative after respite stay

NOVEMBER 29, 2015

This afternoon my husband is going back to respite for two weeks. It is a little soon as he was in respite in September and I am feeling bad about taking him back barely three months later.

However, Interior Health allows four weeks of respite per calendar year and we had barely used two weeks.

And I should not feel so guilty. Lately I have been hearing from him that he does not want to live here anymore, he wants to be somewhere other than here. Where? — I am not sure. Then four nights ago he hated me, said everyone hated me and that he wanted to ‘smash my head in,’ his exact words. That came just as I was thinking of cancelling the respite. So he is going.

I am hoping this afternoon goes smoothly. One of the girls is coming with me, thank goodness I am not doing this alone. Chuck does not know he is going, I do not tell him, just in case. Last time he did not mind being there but I never know how he will react to any situation anymore. Here is hoping it does go smoothly.

2021

My husband came home from this stay in respite mostly unmanageable. I do not know why his behaviour upon coming home this time was so different from his stay in September. It was the same care home, but he was definitely more combative and challenging to care for.

In September he had even made a comment about wanting to go back to ‘that’ place after coming home, so there was definitely a difference in him, which I suppose can be chalked up to the never ending, continuous decline in his condition.

Interior Health called just before

Christmas to find out how things were going and when I said “not well,” they offered overnight emergency respite for Chuck for Christmas.

I told them no, that the next time my husband went into care he was not coming back, that I could not risk his behaviour when returning home being any worse than what I was dealing with at the moment.

So I kept him with me and it ended up his last Christmas celebrating with family in our home. By mid-January he was permanently living in care. And Interior Health had been the ones to find him a bed. It was private pay at the start but within months I had a funded bed for him.

And a blessing in disguise as that last evening he was home with me he misplaced the knife that he had constantly carried with him since October. I spent hours searching for it with him shadowing me everywhere I looked, so pretending to search for it was not going to be an option. I never did locate it that night.

It was not until morning and better light that I happened to spot his knife as it had blended in nicely where he had put it down the day before. Knowing that there was no way he was going to be able to take his knife with him when he went to the care home, I moved it completely out of sight, thus preventing what may have become an ugly start to him adapting to his new surroundings.

ABOUT MY HUSBAND’S OUTBURSTS AND AGGRESSION

It was usually directed at me, though not always. Thank goodness I never saw it directed towards our daughters or grandchildren.

Aggression in Alzheimer’s cases is not common but does exist, and, of course, it does, on occasion, flare up among care home residents. Then it is usually some small incident that sparks a short lived showdown.

After diagnosis we had a neighbour across the street that walked her dogs every day and we attempted a few times to have him join her. It did not last, she said he scared her.

And about nine months after he went in to live in care it was brought to my attention that they were considering moving Chuck to a more secure facility as he was ambushing staff and being physical with them. A change in medication was their first course of action to see if his behaviour abated. It did and talk of moving him ceased.

So although aggression found in dementia sufferers is not common, a measured approach to dealing with it may solve the problem if it does happen. It was just too bad for me that this was not resolved while he was still home and in my care.