ONLINE DATING ODD FOR PRIVATE WOMAN
QUESTION: Some months ago, I joined a dating site for the first time. I’m a divorced woman who never wanted to be divorced.
Several years later, I was patiently wooed by a wonderful, loving man who married me, then tragically died in an accident five years later.
I’ve been on my own for three years and was convinced by friends that I should try to find a companion.
On my dating profile, I said that I was looking for “a pal.” I’m very active, walking every day for long periods and bike when the weather permits. I also like to eat out on patios when it’s possible. I listed all this.
But I’m not desperate to date and I keep myself very busy. I have lots of friends and a large extended family. I follow virtual concerts, lectures, etc. and I’m an avid reader.
I was pleased when one man who “liked” my profile kept asking when we could meet, but I was in no rush. Eventually, after several long conversations and checking him out through a couple of sources, I agreed to sharing a meal outside.
I learned that he prefers golf and club events. He also likes to cook and entertain company at home.
For a next date, he invited me to his backyard (pre-lockdown.) The meal was delicious . . . but what happened next was not. He grabbed me close and tried to kiss me deeply . . . during COVID!!
I left immediately. I realize that he too is lonely but I’m not in a rush. I’m still looking for a pal who shares similar interests with me, and I’m going to pursue that goal.
Your thoughts?
— Slow and Steady
ANSWER: You know your goals and your interests very clearly. And you conveyed them in your profile and expressed them to this man.
Still, he took a chance that maybe you’d respond to his kiss, and maybe want more. But in a pandemic, going for mouth-to-mouth contact with someone you barely know, is aggressive.
You have a very full life, yet you went on a dating site which you must know is a starting point for having all kinds of strangers contact you. To be fair, there are many people who’ve had happy results from going that route to have dates.
But for you to find the kind of companion you’re seeking, it’s more likely to happen through a similar-interest chat group, or a friend or relative’s recommendation about someone they know.
READER’S COMMENTARY: Regarding a woman’s silence about her bathroom accident left uncleaned in a male friend’s apartment (April 29):
Many people have colostomy bags and other such aids, for temporary or permanent treatment of various ailments. They’re temporary when used to give the bowel a “rest” to recover from Cancer treatments or surgeries.
Some people have great difficulty changing the “bag” and stay home or close to home to avoid public accidents.
It’s terrible for some peoples’ self-image to talk about their situation to anyone who’s not family or medical personnel. To have this happen before she’s had time to discuss her situation — when it seems there’s a budding relationship — is twice the embarrassment.
Colostomy bags can be easier to use, without odour, when you get the right size and port for you as an individual. It would help the user to talk out how this can be handled.
My own “awkward situation” was a seizure in a public shopping centre.
READER #2: My daughter was prone to this type of middle-of-the night mishap.
Her family berated her for it but finally she sought medical advice.
It turned out that she needed a hysterectomy, from which the tissues were analyzed. Ovarian cancer was found, fortunately a slow-growing kind, and medication has been able to keep her healthy for over five years since. We are grateful!
The man in the story sounds loving and kind, and should be able to urge his friend to be seen by a doctor.
ELLIE: Yes, the man’s letter expressed concern for the woman’s well-being, and was remarkably empathetic despite the mess:
“I don’t want to embarrass her but I do want a potentially special person in my life to be honest with me, awkward or not. She acts like nothing unusual happened...
I want to preserve the friendship and, if it’s mutual, take it to the next level.” Best of luck to both!
ELLIE’S TIP OF THE DAY
The best way to seek a “pal” for companionship is to look where your interests take you and who your trusted friends recommend.