Words not to live by in 2019

Ta-ta 2018, keep your chicken coops and, yes, the Floss

The Delhi News-Record - - LIFE - LEANNE ITALIE

NEW YORK — Keep your back­yard chicken coops, dear 2018, and your vam­pire fa­cials, too. And the stiff-arm Floss dance? Stomp it out in the new year.

Among other things we’re over as we slide into 2019: Bell sleeves that need con­stant polic­ing, the cash­cow oth­er­wise known as sub­scrip­tion box ser­vices and Alec Bald­win’s Satur­day Night Live Don­ald Trump, be­cause isn’t the real one enough?

Here’ s what we’ d like to leave be­hind come Jan. 1. You’re wel­come.

Floss no more

The arm-flail­ing, hip-sway­ing, rapid-fire dance craze is the new Dab and we owe it to 16-year-old so­cial me­dia dude Rus­sell Horn­ing, a.k.a. The Back­pack Kid. Horn­ing grew a siz­able In­sta­gram fol­low­ing through his dance moves as far back as 2014, and Rihanna re­posted a photo of him well be­fore Katy Perry in­vited him to do his thing with her on Satur­day Night Live in 2017, launch­ing him to so­cial me­dia su­per­star­dom.

Other celebs, moms, dads, ath­letes and pretty much all of YouTube are floss­ing their lives away. So are all the lit­tle kids in your house­holds, once they out­grow Baby Shark, that is.

Fort­nite added a Floss Bat­tle Royale vic­tory emote. The fisted, stiff-armed dance that in­volves ro­tat­ing arms from the front to back over and over again isn’t as easy as it looks for some, so it has sprouted in­struc­tional videos. It also won Horn­ing a 2018 Shorty Award.

Aren’t all you Flossers ex­hausted? Have a seat. Take a load off. Go cheek-to-cheek with some­one. Any­thing but an­other year of your back-and-forth­ness.

Gen­der re­veal par­ties

Firstly, gen­der is not solely boy or girl. Gen­der can be fluid. Gen­der is a spec­trum. A child may have a non­bi­nary gen­der iden­tity, mean­ing they don’t iden­tify strictly as boy or girl. They may iden­tify as both, nei­ther or an­other gen­der en­tirely.

Se­condly, have we not out­grown blue for boys and pink for girls? Thirdly, how about a sur­prise? How about keep­ing all of this to your­selves?

Gen­der re­veal events, such as the one re­cently that sparked a mas­sive fire in Ari­zona , have grown into an in­dus­try, with party sup­plies on sale and DIY tips all over the place.

Cel­e­brate the birth of a hu­man be­ing in­stead. Oh wait, that’s what baby show­ers are for, and birthdays.

Big ol’ sleeves

Run­ways are full of bell sleeves, and stores, too. But what about the mari­nara sauce? No­body needs to po­lice their sleeves quite this much, es­pe­cially when they’re eat­ing or do­ing some­thing equally bottom-of-the-sleeve skim­ming.

Bell sleeves were once oh-so-boho but have popped up on all man­ner of tops and dresses. How hard do you want to work to stuff those things into a jacket or coat? How big the bells have be­come. How ut­terly same-same we all look in our flared sleeves.

And tiered bell sleeves? And those flares that fall at the el­bow or way high off the wrist? Prairie-wear and swingy sleeves, take a breather.

Your chicken friends

Or­ganic eggs, pest con­trol, fer­til­izer! Those are some of the ap­par­ent joys of keep­ing back­yard chick­ens. The idea is they roam around your ur­ban pa­tio, patch of grass or sub­ur­ban wood, find­ing their way home at night. Or some­thing. Some are con­fined to en­closed runs. And what hap­pens when hip­sters can’t cope? Ac­cord­ing to news re­ports, the feath­ered puffs with legs get dumped at an­i­mal shel­ters, sanc­tu­ar­ies or worse, gob­bled by some preda­tor.

Just go to a store and do your tick checks, sweet faux farm­ers. It’s been years now. How many eggs is too many eggs?

Box up your boxes

In beauty and fit­ness, food prep, ap­parel and toys, all your dreams can come true in a box for a fee.

Sub­scrip­tion boxes have been around for a while but in 2018 there were so many they needed to be cu­rated and heav­ily re­viewed by me­dia and con­sumers alike.

So many copy­cats. Such a big grab for the cash.

While it’s truly nice and way con­ve­nient some­times to re­ceive a cu­rated box of stuff in the mail, es­pe­cially at din­ner­time, do re­mem­ber that you’re the one who’s pay­ing, un­less you got lucky and your boxes are gifts that keep on giv­ing.

Vam­pire fa­cials

Us­ing your own blood with lit­tle skin pricks and some­times ra­dio fre­quen­cies thrown in to make you, what, the best skin-deep ver­sion of your­self, some­body else en­tirely, is on the gross side of the beauty equa­tion.

But then again, so are the gods com­monly known as der­mal fillers.

Let’s shed some light on the bloody fa­cials. First, you need your blood drawn. Then you need your blood to be run through a cen­trifuge to iso­late the platelets. This is all about PRPs, or platelet-rich plasma. Then mi­cro­der­mabra­sion or mi­croneedling is done to re­ally get those platelets in there. Op­tional are the afore­men­tioned ra­dio fre­quen­cies to fur­ther run over your face and as­sist re­ju­ve­na­tion.

Vam­pire fa­cials can hy­drate and of­fer boosts of col­la­gen and elastin, fans say. And cure the com­mon cold?

Kim Kar­dashian West fa­mously par­took and shared her bloody face on so­cial me­dia. She wasn’t alone. Bloody faces are all over In­sta­gram. Vam­pire fa­cials have been around years now (KKW ’gramed in 2013) but prac­ti­tion­ers have con­tin­ued to ka-ching their way through time.

We never thought we would wax sen­ti­men­tal about bird poop fa­cials, caviar fa­cials or cow am­ni­otic fluid. On the face.


Leon Drouin-Keith shows chick­ens roam­ing around a coop in Green­lawn, N.Y.

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