Give the gift of music stuff
In which we learn that wires are for losers, metalheads wear sweaters, and Fleetwood Mac and Cheese exists
The best kind of Christmas gift is arguably the one you’re secretly buying for yourself. Sure, your punk-obsessed teenager is the ostensible recipient of that four-disc Sex Pistols reissue, but don’t even front like you’re not going to be blasting Never Mind the Bollocks and pogoing around the living room when no one else is home. And there’s no sense pretending that you won’t be reading that copy of Dylan Jones’s David Bowie: A Life that you allegedly bought for your significant other.
Slightly more tricky are the things you buy for the music lovers who don’t live under your own roof. For instance, it will start to seem a tad suspect that you “just happened to be in the neighbourhood” and decided to stop by and see how your cousin Steve’s new Fender Custom Shop Stratocaster is doing. Sometimes you just need to wake up on Christmas morning to find that Santa Claus has tucked a Strat of your very own under the tree—even if the jolly old elf isn’t the one who has to pay the credit-card bill in January.
CELEBRITY PRAYER CANDLES It used to be that death was a prerequisite for sainthood, but the folks at Kitschup Creations apparently don’t subscribe to that notion. Sure, their Celebrity Prayer Candles line features many likenesses of the dear departed (including David Bowie, Prince, John Lennon, Janis Joplin, and 2Pac), but it will also enable you to show your devotion to Katy Perry, Drake, Adele, and Justin Bieber. There are plenty of nonmusical celebs on offer as well, and these could actually be a handy dating filter. If you let a Tinder date take you home and you spot a Steve Harvey, Donald Trump, or Guy Fieri prayer candle in their pad, get the fuck out of there. (US$24 at www.celeb rityprayercandleskc.com/ )
MARSHALL BLUETOOTH SPEAKERS Thanks to Vancouver’s impossible real-estate market, the days when a music connoisseur had room for a wall-mounted Marantz stereo system and Stonehenge-sized KEF Coda speakers are long gone. Because we’re all shoehorned into 400-square-foot condos, small-and-powerful is king. Sonos has cornered the smart-speaker market with a product that sounds great but looks nondescript. Obsessives who value design as well as function will get a far bigger jolt out of a line of Marshall speakers that range from the shoebox-sized Acton model to the waking-up-the-neighbours Woburn. Each unit looks like a miniature Marshall—the legendary amps favoured by rock gods like Slash, Eddie Van Halen, and Slayer’s Kerry King. Proving you can sometimes judge quality by weight, even the Acton is heavier than a Gibson Les Paul. Soundwise, it’s every bit as killer as you’d expect from something emblazoned with the famous Marshall logo. Settings are simple: Volume, Bass, and Treble. Crank the bottom end when the neighbours upstairs are pissing you off and you want to retaliate with N.W.A’S Straight Outta Compton. Go all-in on the treble when immersing yourself in the majesty of Hüsker Dü’s masterful Zen Arcade. Should you actually dream of owning a house one day, Marshall smart speakers are all Bluetooth-compatible, meaning you can link components together with a Stanmore in the kitchen, a Woburn in the living room, and an Acton in the bathroom—each blaring “Sweet Child o’ Mine” loud enough to terrorize the poor tenants in your mortgage helper. (From $324.99 at www.marshall headphones.com/mh_ca_en/speakers/)
APPLE AIRPODS If you were stoked to get your current-gen iphone out of the box, only to wonder where the hell the headphone jack was, you’re evidently living in the past. All the cool kids are going wireless, because wires are for losers, apparently. Airpod earbuds are driven by the W1 chip, which according to Apple produces “extremely efficient wireless for a better connection and improved sound”. And five hours of battery life on a single charge, too. You can also use Airpods to listen to your ipad, Mac, Apple Watch, and (presumably) incoming transmissions from Skynet. ($219 at www.apple.com/ca/airpods/ )
MASTER OF PUPPETS METALLICA CHRISTMAS SWEATER If you’re looking for off-thewall gifts, old-school rock and metal bands are a good place to start. Take, for instance, KISS’S twoin-one knife and money clip, or Motörhead’s official line of vibrators (bullet and torpedo, in case you were wondering). Adopting a more festive approach, the merch gods for Metallica have this year created a range of Christmas-themed items that might be less risqué, but will still likely offend your grandma. Our favourite? This beautiful ugly sweater. Taking inspiration from the Master of Puppets album cover—an artwork that depicts First World War military-style grave markers tied up by shadowy strings that lead to the unseen hands of an evil puppet master—the sweater pays homage to the record’s grisly lyrics while still offering some festive cheer. Several graves have been transformed into jolly candy canes, and one of the crosses even sports a Santa hat. In keeping with the metal feel, it’s unclear whether the graphics at the top and bottom of the sweater are snowflakes or spider webs—but maybe that’s best left to your imagination. Either way, this 50 percent wool, 50 percent acrylic garment will keep your body warm and your heart cold all winter long. (US$89.99 at www.metallica.com/store/ )
STAR WARS: A NEW HOPE SOUNDTRACK
40TH ANNIVERSARY BOX SET The music itself doesn’t need an introduction. After all, John Williams’s score to a little 1977 popcorn flick called Star Wars won an Oscar, a BAFTA, a Golden Globe, and three Grammys, and was named the greatest American movie score of all time by the American Film Institute. You’ve heard it. But have you heard it remastered and pressed on three 180-gram vinyl LPS, one of which, according to Starwars.com, features “a 3D hologram experience with the Death Star”? No. No, you have not. The 48-page hardcover book only sweetens the deal. (US$150 at disneymusic. shop.musictoday.com/store/ )
DARK SIDE OF THE SPOON COOKBOOK
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