How to find safe and kinky part­ners

The Georgia Straight - - Savage Love - by Dan Sav­age

I’VE AL­WAYS wanted to tie girls up, but I can never con­vince a woman to let me. Lately, I’ve been ex­plor­ing “bondage sin­gles” sites on­line, but I’m to­tally new to this. How do I know which ones I can trust? There are hun­dreds of pro­files, but it’s hard for me to be­lieve I can re­ally just an­swer an ad, meet a girl in a ho­tel room, and tie her up. It can’t be that sim­ple, can it?

- The In­ter­net’s En­tic­ing Dates

It can’t be and it isn’t, TIED, be­cause no woman in her right mind is go­ing to let some man she’s never met be­fore tie her up in a ho­tel room. That’s not to say it couldn’t hap­pen or hasn’t ever hap­pened, but women stupid enough to take that risk are rare—and it should go with­out say­ing that any sin­gles web­site promis­ing to pro­vide lonely guys with an end­less stream of stupid women is a scam. But you don’t have to take my word for it. Justin Gor­bey is a bondage prac­ti­tioner and ed­u­ca­tor, as well as a pro­fes­sional artist and tat­tooer. Gor­bey ties up a lot of women, as you can see on his In­sta­gram ac­count (@dask­in­baku), and he doesn’t think you’re go­ing to find some­one on a “bondage sin­gles” site ei­ther.

“I would rec­om­mend this per­son step away from the dat­ing sites and step into some ed­u­ca­tional group meet-ups or ‘munches’,” said Gor­bey. “TIED or any new per­son should fo­cus on groups that match their own de­sires/in­ter­ests, and con­nec­tions will de­velop or­gan­i­cally with time and ef­fort—with a lot of fuck­ing time and ef­fort!”

Kink so­cial and ed­u­ca­tion groups or­ga­nize on­line but meet up off­line— face to face, IRL, in meatspace—at munches (ed­u­ca­tional talks, no ac­tual play) and play par­ties (ac­tual play, hence the name). To find the kink or­ga­ni­za­tion(s) in your area, TIED, Gor­bey sug­gests that you create a pro­file on Fetlife, the big­gest so­cial net­work for kinky peo­ple, and start con­nect­ing with other like­minded kinksters at munches.

“Go­ing to munches will not only give TIED a chance to meet peo­ple,” said Gor­bey, “they’ll give him a ‘guide’ for how to act—most groups gen­er­ally go over house safe words/eti­quette/rules and con­sent/ risk aware­ness at the be­gin­ning of a munch—and they’ll also give what I call a ‘vis­ual vo­cab­u­lary’ of what a real-life scene looks like. Porn and fetish fan­tasy of­ten dis­tort our per­cep­tions of what is plau­si­ble or even pos­si­ble for real peo­ple in a real-life sce­nario. Just watch­ing oth­ers play helped me iden­tify the things I found at­trac­tive as both a top and a bot­tom.”

There are lots of men and women out there who are in­ter­ested in bondage, TIED, and the or­ga­nized kink scene is the best place to find safe and sane play part­ners. You’ll be able to in­ter­act with kinky women at munches and par­ties, women who will be a lot like­lier to let you tie them up af­ter you’ve demon­strated you’re safe and sane your­self.

“There are hours of in­ti­macy be­fore and af­ter the mo­ment cap­tured for an In­sta­gram photo,” said Gor­bey. “These re­la­tion­ships re­quire trust, vul­ner­a­bil­ity, and com­mu­ni­ca­tion. These acts re­quire a lot of hard work and com­mit­ment, and they ex­pose a per­son to risk. That’s why the only re­spon­si­ble an­swer to TIED’S ques­tion is to seek ed­u­ca­tion first and play part­ners sec­ond.”

Justin Gor­bey teaches work­shops and in­ten­sives on a num­ber of sub­jects cen­tring on bondage and pow­erex­change dy­nam­ics. To see his work and learn about his work­shops, fol­low him on In­sta­gram @dask­in­baku.

I’M A monog­a­mous woman in a com­mit­ted re­la­tion­ship with a non­monog­a­mous man. I try to be cool about his other re­la­tion­ships, but I’m try­ing to fig­ure out how to bring some fire back into ours. I miss oral sex, but that’s not on the ta­ble be­cause he “doesn’t like” how I taste. I’ve sug­gested bondage and anal, but he says he’s “too tired”. He can make plans with oth­ers to have ex­cit­ing new ex­pe­ri­ences, but he doesn’t have any en­ergy for me. I’m at a loss. Coun­selling is not an op­tion for us be­cause he doesn’t be­lieve in that stuff. Any sug­ges­tions?

- Seek­ing Ad­ven­tur­ous Monogamishamy Yes, stop do­ing his laun­dry or pay­ing his rent or pre­par­ing his meals—stop do­ing what­ever it is you’re do­ing that your shit boyfriend val­ues and is re­luc­tant to give up, SAM, be­cause it’s clear he doesn’t value you. DTMFA.

I’M A 44-year-old straight woman. I’ve been mar­ried for 14 years to a hus­band I love very much. We have two small chil­dren. Early in our courtship, I dis­cov­ered his in­ter­est in bot­tom­ing dur­ing fem-dom peg­ging ses­sions. I GGG’D his de­sires and we ex­plored them. He bought a va­ri­ety of dil­dos, strapon har­nesses, and kink ephemera, and I’ve thor­oughly en­joyed the few times we’ve done this. But I’ve grown less in­ter­ested over the years. We both work; there are kids to look af­ter—and when we have sex, I just want to get it over with and move on with our day, not deal with the pageantry of dress-up, stiletto heels, col­lars and cuffs, lu­bri­cat­ing but­t­holes, grad­u­at­ing to big­ger dil­dos in a ses­sion, et cetera. The vanilla-lean­ing sex we have is great, and we are both into it, but I know be­ing bound and pegged is his fan­tasy and he is less ful­filled by not hav­ing it on the menu. How do I get more mo­ti­vated to in­dulge him? Do I have to give him a pass to seek out a pro-dom to in­dulge this? (Not sure how I feel about that.) Ul­ti­mately, I don’t hate in­dulging his fan­tasy, and it re­ally does it for him. Not sure what to do. - Fre­quently Evad­ing My Dude’s Ob­ses­sions Mostly

You dis­cov­ered your hus­band’s kinks dur­ing your courtship—an un­spec­i­fied pe­riod of time prior to the wed­ding, the kids, et cetera. And while you say you’ve GGG’D his kinks over the 14-plus years you’ve been to­gether, FEMDOM, it’s hard to square that claim with this: “I’ve thor­oughly en­joyed [peg­ging him] the few times we’ve done this.” In­dulging some­one a few times over 14+ years hardly counts as Ggg’ing their de­sires.

Be­ing “good, giv­ing, and game” for any­thing—within rea­son—doesn’t ob­li­gate us to do what­ever our part­ners want. But if some­thing is truly cen­tral to your part­ner’s erotic self, then be­ing Ggg—be­ing a lov­ing part­ner—means mak­ing an ac­com­mo­da­tion, FEMDOM, find­ing a work-around that al­lows your part­ner to ex­press this as­pect of their sex­u­al­ity with­out re­quir­ing you to do some­thing you find te­dious, a turnoff, or trau­ma­tiz­ing. That ac­com­mo­da­tion can be some­thing as sim­ple as cheer­fully al­low­ing your part­ner to in­dulge their kinks with porn or dur­ing solo play (em­pha­sis on the word cheer­fully) to some­thing as chal­leng­ing as al­low­ing your part­ner to ex­plore their kinks with oth­ers, e.g., play part­ners

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