One month of dating doesn’t make a friend an ex

By

A MAN I very casually “dated” for one month more than 15 years ago—a man I have maintained a friendship with ever since—tells his new girlfriends that I am his “ex-girlfriend”. This disclosure causes a lot of unnecessary awkwardness between whoever his current girlfriend might be and me.

I’ve told him he shouldn’t do that because I was never officially his girlfriend.

For 99.999 percent of the time I’ve known him, we’ve been friends, compared

o the .001 percent of the time when we were very casually dating.

He says he doesn’t want to lie?!? But it’s not a lie to say we are friends! I hate the awkwardness that it causes between me and the women he dates now. They never have a chance to get to know and trust me. Help me explain this to him so he finally gets it!

- Never His Girlfriend

He gets it, NHG. The awkwardness he’s creating between you and his girlfriend of the moment—the awkwardness you see as unnecessary and avoidable—is exactly what he wants.

Introducing you as his ex makes things awkward with his current, and his current girlfriend’s intuitive sense that he’s either intentionally or thoughtlessly making things awkward makes him a less appealing partner. He doesn’t want a commitment or anything long-term, and instead of being honest about that, he’s weaponizing your existence to erect barriers between him and whoever he’s dating at the moment.

He may not be doing it knowingly, but he’s doing it just the same, and it’s a shitty thing to do to a friend. And the next time he does it, NHG, object and object loudly: “Don’t be ridiculous! I was never your girlfriend!” g

Follow Dan on Twitter @FakeDanSavage. Email questions@savagelove.net. Listen to Dan on the Savage Lovecast. Columns, podcasts, books, merch and more at savage.love. To read other letters by a 31-year-old queer person who recently met a wealthy 46-year-old man and by a kinky gay man with a belie in God, please visit Straight.com.