Moving a difficult adjustment
Question- I’m male, 38, with a son, eight, and a daughter, two and a half. Our nine- year marriage isn’t happy... so many issues, such as my family, so I stopped discussing them with her. We emigrated here three years ago; I thought it’d be a new start for us, but the same old problems arrived.
She doesn’t work now, and plans to go to school soon. She doesn’t drive but is working on her license. I have one full- time job, another part- time, and fulfill my responsibilities but get credit for nothing.
We hardly talk. We don’t sleep together so there’s no sex.
She used to say that’s all I want. I don’t want to leave my kids but I don’t know how to make things work. Miserable Marriage
Answer- Moving countries is a huge adjustment, and solutions to deep problems are even harder to find in the new place.
It seems she had difficulty getting settled into work, whereas you’re gone long hours with two jobs. You’re acting “responsibly,” but she may actually resent your adaptability and feel left behind.
Leaving her now would be a mess - for both of you and the kids. You need to find some common ground to work towards a better relationship and home life.
Instead of looking for credit, ask what she needs to settle in better. Listen to her real feelings and show some understanding. It’ll take time for her to trust that you’re trying to forge a team, but that’s what you two need to be.
If you hang in while she achieves confidence through school and driving, you two could have a chance. If not, look at your options, then.
Question- I love my boyfriend of nine years ( since high school). We’ve spoken about marriage. However, I stipulated: 1) he needs to have finished his degree; and 2) found a job before proposing ( so we’d be financially stable. Otherwise, I’d be stressed, which is not a great way to start a marriage).
He now has a job he loves, in a field unrelated to his Masters. He’s 95% through his thesis, but hasn’t touched it in two years. He thinks it’s a sunk- cost since he’s working in a different field.
I’ve said that he’s so close and this degree may come in handy for future job opportunities. My family believes you finish what you start. I’ve said it’s important for me that he finishes, and also for reassuring my traditional parents.
We discussed marriage again recently, and he promised he’d finish his thesis if it were that important to me. He hasn’t touched it since. Am I being petty about this?
I feel that I am, but he knows that marriage may hinge on it, silly as that is. I feel his inaction speaks poorly of his commitment, and his past habit of breaking promises. Right or Silly?
Answer- You’re right that it’s “Silly, petty,” and even controlling... all about YOU and your family, not about his reality. Oh, and unforgiving about some promises not kept, over nine years ago.
Finishing the thesis may sound logical, but it’s his choice... or not. He’s bright and competent, so if he ever needs the degree in the future, he’ll manage to get it. Meanwhile, he’s happy, succeeding, but you’re hounding him like he’s a loser instead of trusting him.
Love the guy for who he is and what he’s doing, not what you insist must be done, whether he likes it or not. That’s truly a bad way to start a marriage.
Question- I travel a lot for work, a couple of weeks at a time, and sometimes a month. There’s always tension from my fiancè when I return, especially during intimacy.
He asks questions just as we get into bed, about whom I met, men I worked with while I’m away, etc. My job is great and pays well but he’s made it stressful to our sex life, when there’s no reason. Third Degree
Answer- His reason: jealousy and insecurity. It’s his reaction to the stress of your being away so often and sometimes so long. But it’s a worrisome response when repeated.
Discuss sensitively what he can handle and what he can’t. If you do raise the idea of changing jobs, is he still going to question you about men at the new place? You should know by now whether it’s his control pattern.
If YES, you two need counselling before moving forward into marriage. TIP OF THE DAY A major move requires couples to take time to settle and find common ground.