Take time with new relationship
Question- My husband of ten years had multiple affairs. I was devastated and wanted to leave, but I had a severely disabled child that I couldn’t handle on my own. I stayed, but with conditions: No sex between us.
I didn’t want to catch anything. I said I’d stay until our child was old enough for a home placement.
Two years later, he did it again. I’ve since met someone nice, and now have some options, as my child has a home placement. Any thoughts? Unstuck
Answer- Be careful what you rush into with someone new. The last thing you want is to end up stuck with a poor choice next time.
The home placement may be the best solution for your child, but you need time to help him/ her adjust to this move, and to work out a pattern of visits and monitoring of the care provided.
You also need certainty this new person is committed to you, and a loyal caring person, not just an escape option.
Question- My boyfriend of four years has been intimidated by his ex- wife since they divorced five years ago.
He likes to avoid conflict. She’s a chronic alcoholic with a high- powered career, who’s spent recent years in and out of rehab. She’s virulent and condescending.
They have three kids. I get along with them, but due to split custody arrangement and my work hours, I haven’t spent much time with them.
I live separately, in my own home. The kids like me and I care about them greatly.
My boyfriend’s brother, who’s divorcing, moved into his house. He chatters incessantly about how he hates women, or how easily he and his single pals can get sex from young women. This talk feels like a threat. My boyfriend says nothing to shut him up, protect my feelings, let’s me argue alone, or leaves the room.
His youngest child developed a serious acute ailment and was hospitalized. I showed up one night, although he tried to discourage me. His ex- wife shouted and ordered me to leave.
I’ve done nothing to her and have always been polite. I’ve never attempted a mother role with the kids. I’ve raised my own children and have a decent career.
My boyfriend did nothing to stop her and never acknowledged what happened.
He’s cowered to her every whim since we’ve been together.
I told him I won’t continue a relationship when he sets no boundaries, and is passive with people who disrespect our relationship.
His response was to make me feel guilty that he’s going through a challenging period, to dismiss my feelings as irrational, and shut me out.
I need some security and emotional support in my life. We’ve not spoken in over a week.
Should I really move on and forget about him? Heartbroken in Atlanta
Answer- Four years of being runner- up to his ex- wife’s constant demands, is long enough. There are no signals from him about ever putting you first.
If you still consider staying, decide what you can handle. And be realistic – e. g. going
to the hospital risked encountering this difficult woman. Better to have sent the girl a card with a nice message.
His ex will always be troublesome, so proceed accordingly. Your boyfriend will always have some difficulties with boundaries. So don’t stay talking to his brother, leave.
Most important, talk directly to your guy – not from a needy position, but about whether you love him enough to work through this.
Then, only stay IF he’s willing to agree to make some changes.
Question- I’m 16, nice to everybody, do well in school. But I’m always picked on by a group of four “popular” boys in my class, which has only three girls.
The boys aren’t mean to the two other girls. I know I’m prettier than they are, but I also know that’s not really important. Or, is it?
These boys call me names, pick on me, put me down, and tease me about other guys in whom I have no interest.
It’s extremely hard for me to handle. I can’t do it anymore, can’t stand being in their class. Hounded in Manitoba
Answer- Tell your parents, and ask them to report this bullying behaviour with your principal. Persistent group harassment IS bullying. While some innocent teasing occurs between students ( yes, being pretty and getting good grades makes you stand out in a good way), these boys are extreme, unrelenting, and harmful. TIP OF THE DAY When handling ongoing complex issues, take time to be certain of your new relationship.