Couple needs counselling - fast

- I'm 26, from Asia, and in an arranged marriage.

We’d spoken over phone or video chat for three months beforehand. He was then living elsewhere.

I felt he was confident and independent, with similar family values.

There was little attraction but I thought spending more time with him would develop it.

I met him ten days before the marriage and then saw that he's nervous, always gets flustered easily.

The more time I spent with him, I was losing interest. Then we got married. He told me things about himself that showed his low self-esteem and inferiority complex.

It's been eight months and I'm seeing that he's a good guy and confident in professional matters, but I'm still not attracted.

We didn't even consummate our marriage.

I wanted to feel comfortable with him.

We’re thinking of going to family counselling, but everyone’s blaming me that it’s my fault.

My family thinks he’s a good guy and that's enough.

But I don't know how to see him as a romantic partner.

What can I do to be attracted to him? Is it my fault that I lost interest?

No Chemistry

- Tell your family and yourself that “fault” isn’t what’s important - it’s your life and his that matters.

Get to counselling together fast. You both may also need some individual sessions.

Look for a “couples’ counsellor,” and read my blog “How to Find a Therapist,” on www.ellieadvice.com to learn how to make sure the professional you see feels like the right fit for your situation.

Try to handle things just between you two, despite the family’s intense interest.

Chemistry is a funny element in relationships.

It can be strong for the wrong reasons, and weak for the wrong reasons.

Through counselling, you’ll get to know this person better… and it may affect your feelings.

If not, you have a right to not remain in a marriage with someone for whom you feel no attraction.

TIP OF THE DAY

A marriage must mainly become the business of the couple, not the entire extended family.