Attraction to co-worker may only be sparks

Q - My male co-worker of several years and I hit it off right away.

He started working with me six months before I started dating my now-husband. He had a girlfriend (now his wife).

During the brief period that I was still single, he made flirtatious comments to me.

I was too nervous or immature and walked away then. He never told me his feelings outright.

Five years later, I’ve realized I’ve had feelings for him all along.

I see him occasionally outside of work and we always have the most amazing time.

I still love my husband, but I desperately want to tell my friend I still have feelings for him five years later.

I also want him to tell me the same.

I don’t want to break up my marriage. What should I do?

Five-Year Secret

A - Instead of trying to light a fuse, put this bomb aside and look at your marriage.

Lots of married people have some fantasies that turn them on — e.g. the flirty guy at work — but they don’t all have affairs.

Yet, that’s exactly where asking about “feelings” can take you.

What follows is discovery by your husband, his pain, your humiliation, and possibly a breakup.

That’s not what you want, if you truly love him.

But you may need more in your relationship — of appreciation, affection, sex, laughter. Work on making those things happen before you risk not having a chance to try.

Ask nothing about your coworker’s feelings. See him less outside of work. It’s great to get along well. Not so great to break up his family either.

Besides, if he doesn’t have feelings for you, it’ll be mortifying to have asked.

Q - I recently got engaged and have to decide which friends will be in the wedding party

In 2011, I was a bridesmaid at my friend’s wedding. I’ve known her since high school, along with three others in the same group.

I met her husband in my early 20s. A decade later, they got married. It ended messily in less than two years.

Soon after, he and one of those girls started dating. They’re now engaged.

There was a lot of gossip/suspicion that they were “messing around” before the couple separated.

Our group divided their support and I’m in the middle. (I didn’t agree with how it happened, but never thought the original couple should marry).

We’re now 33/34 years old. I’d like to have all four girlfriends in my wedding party but the two sides haven’t been in the same room for over three years.

I’m thinking of having one as Maid of Honour, the other and the ex-wife as bridesmaids.

And I’d explain to the new fiancee that I’d like to have her in the wedding party, but it could be too much d rama.

The Best Option?

A - There are only two true opponents here — the fiancee and the ex-wife. The other two are side-takers. You’re the bride, far removed from being a judge. After all, you’re all grown-ups. If one of the four women has been a closer friend, choose her as MOH or pick a close relative instead.

Tell each of the others that you want them in your wedding party but naturally don’t want distracting drama.

If someone can’t accept another’s presence in the group, say you’ll still invite them as important guests.

Don’t isolate only the fiancee, since you can’t know the whole story, including the exhusband’s part.

Then ignore all this and enjoy your own happiness.