Fear of intimacy shows lack of self-respect

Q - I’m 18, with a best friend, 16, who’s dating a guy (A) my age. He and I have gotten closer since he started dating her.

His friend (D) and I flirt and make out frequently, but it’s not a relationship.

I tell A the truth about his girlfriend’s cheating on him, and he does the same for me about D.

I told A that I planned on losing my virginity to D, and A was very disappointed in me, as we’re both terrified of intimacy.

D and I are very sexually attracted to each other, but he doesn’t want a relationship.

A helped me realize I want a commitment from my “first.” So I found myself falling for A.

I feel so guilty. I can’t tell anyone, in fear they’d tell my best friend. I don’t want to lose her, she’d hate me.

But she doesn’t treat him right. Yet he provides emotional support I don’t get from anyone else.

I’m trying to sever things with D because I want more than sex.

Meanwhile, if I tell A about my feelings, he’ll think I lied about his cheating girlfriend, so that I could swoop in. Where do I go from here? Messy Friendships

A - You go on, hopefully, to realize that fear of intimacy is about being insecure and lacking self-respect.

You also recognize that your “first” should be special, not someone who’s a player (and likely doesn’t use safe-sex protection).

You tell your best friend that she’s dating a nice guy who doesn’t deserve her cheating. You might even be helping a hyper-sexed younger teen learn some self-regard, too.

Then, you think about being 19 soon, and wanting to have a relationship that means something to you.

With these moves, a close friend like A will see that you have values and self-esteem, as will other guys you meet.

It makes for far less drama and more opportunities to have the relationship you want.

Q - My wife of over 30 years left me in a completely unexpected situation. I’m 53 and my now-ex is 49.

Three years ago she told me that she had an affair with a man and wanted to start a new life with him.

We used to talk about infidelity and how that would be a deal breaker. I suppose that was why I recovered so well.

But my problem is “getting back in the game.” I live in a small town with about 10,000 people.

My female friends describe me as good looking and a gentleman, but I’ve had no luck connecting with someone new.

I’ve not tried any of the dating sites. In my mind, they’re a cold way to connect with someone.

Dating Newbie

A- Expand your self-imposed limits.

Instead of only seeing your town as small, look for what it offers by way of interests, and try new things — from joining a hiking group to getting involved with community theatre.

Meanwhile, open up to the online world but with your own approach.

Dating sites are not cold by nature, it’s people who seem cold if stick to pre-conceived ideas of their “ideal.”

Instead, be yourself. Write a profile that’s honest about your age, and being new to dating after divorce, but also states your interest in meeting someone with the hope of forming a connection.

Be realistic and positive at the same time.

You’re in a new situation, in a locale that already has restrictions.

Time to broaden your horizon and your chances.