Maintaining relationship important for siblings

Q — My brother and I have a strained relationship, for which I mostly blame my sister-in-law and my brother’s unwillingness to do anything that might upset her.

Over 10 years there’s been many instances where we haven’t spoken, and I haven’t seen my sister-in-law or niece(s) for months.

My sister-in-law repeatedly does something hurtful, then won’t talk to us until we decide to ignore what she did.

The last instance, she said something mean and hateful towards my mother (that we’d all be better off if my mother died).

I called my brother on it, but later I still invited his family to two events at my house, including a get-together with mutual friends.

At both events, she ignored my wife and me and made us feel uncomfortable in our own home. I told my brother that until she was willing to talk this situation out with us, we wouldn’t be inviting them over anymore.

I now haven’t seen my sister-inlaw in two years and only saw my nieces twice at my parents’ house.

During this time, my brother’s family decided not to send a gift/ card for my kids’ birthdays because of a small misunderstanding over my previous gift/card to his daughter.

I told my brother that it’s unfair to do this to our kids, they should have nothing to do with our squabbles.

However, I still see my brother every four to six weeks when I invite him for an outing with some of my friends.

It’s the only contact we currently have, and it always falls on me. I’m thinking of stopping inviting him around, but I still grapple with it because I know it’s the only time that he gets out with people who aren’t his wife’s friends.

Also, it will strain our relationship even more, which makes things more difficult for my parents, and more so as they age or when we two run into having to deal with their estate years from now.

Is cutting family ties the answer or stay the course?

Family Discord

A— This isn’t any easier on your brother than it is on you. His wife is seriously troublesome, yet he’s apparently committed to their marriage (which may be why you haven’t mentioned trying to discuss this alone with him).

He’s also trying to maintain your relationship as brothers, important to you both.

Keep contact with him. Try meeting alone to discuss possible solutions to the family discord. Start small with the exchange of birthday gifts for the children. See if you can go deeper to find the cause of his wife’s distance.

Ellie’s tip of the day

A close relationship between brothers or sisters can provide needed support, by understanding/avoiding difficulties with the sibling’s spouse.